The In - Between

so, since getting the boot from home *being my home church* i'm what's referred to as "the in-between"

it's different....ever since i started church i've always had a home, and now suddenly i find myself expelled from the fire to the cold (so to speak). I went back to Smackover on Sunday, my first home, and rather enjoyed myself. It was foreign to me, like the needle feels when I give blood, strange sticking out of my arm, but so much a part of me at the moment. It felt like going back to the fire though.....and i need that fire. That fire's the only thing keeping my grounded at the moment.....but I planned my life somewhat around my home...knowing someday that I was going to have to leave, but never expected it to be this soon.....since Tuesday a week ago, i've been on the outside looking in as far as church is concerned....I know where I stand as far as the Lord is concerned, but what about the family I once claimed? As Bro. Williams put it, i've become the scapegoat so to speak, even though i was wrong, i get the blunt end of both sides of the act. welcome to life. I'm not sure if i'm a member here or not...i asked to be put on the list, but i don't know if i'm there or not. I'm going to be in Smackover again on sunday, and i'm sure the rumors have already been buzzing wildly about me going straight there, but I don't care. I'm not sowing discord, and i'm acting like everything's alright....it's not opposition to my pastor to go anymore because as was blatantly stated in my phone call "I am not your pastor."

It's just a rough time at the moment....so many things swirling around and so many opportunities within my grasp. I've already taken one that was within my reach...i'm not happy about the fact of missing a week's worth of services total for it, but I need the money. I don't know where this path Jesus has me on is going to lead....but I know that He'll be there by my side through thick and thin. I'll have Him, and a wonderful support group of friends and Saints who will pray for me (cause Lord knows I need it at the crossroads). I'll keep you updated and thanks for everything!

World Turned Over

my world as i knew it turned topsy turvy tonight. the life I knew back home doesn't exist anymore...and i know why. i didn't cause it, but i was a partaker in it of sorts, an accomplice so to speak...an innocent person who knew what she was doing and realized what the outcome could possibly be if she went through with it, and went through with it for the sake of another's supposed happiness....now our worlds are destroyed in the fashion we once knew them....i've seen another side to people i knew tonight.....i know so much to say, yet I remain silent for the sake of i know i won't be heard when my small voice rises above the tumult. my time was about up anyway and my work just about done. my love will remain the same for those who have nurtured me for so long, but my path now seems to lead me away to a new life of sorts. my mind is so restless tonight...my world has come to an abrupt end.........and now a new one forms.....Jesus, all I can ask is that You mold this one according to Your perfect plan and perfect will. take out what You want gone and put in what You'd rather me have. I trust You.....though you slay me....yet I will trust you...

Thoughts

Here I sit...meditating on the glory of the Lord.....I'm so torn and numb at this moment.....all I can do is cry for the God i'm unworthy of. I feel dark inside...and I need His light once more...spent a while in the arms of Christ...the love that covers sin...no greater love have I ever known...you consider me your friend..........I love Jesus....and I come to the point where my love for Jesus must outweigh my love for my fiancee.....yes, i am having problems with that, i'm human. the Holy Ghost doesn't make you invincible...but it gives you the power to fight. Things will work out, i know...i'm just standing on unsteady ground right now...

Tired of Thinking

The difference between toeing the line and crossing it.....the fine gray line in the fog dividing our lives......the line that could be crossed in an instant.
I once had my heart. I shared it with you.....I loved you with everything in it that I could.....then I had to tear my heart away from you because it wasn't supposed to be yours thas time...part of it stayed with you, and I held on to the broken shards for dear life....convinced that I could function with only part of me........then came another who promised to make it whole again....so i gave him control of what was left of me......what was left he all but destroyed in the mire and left for me to find again.....so i searched for every bit of eight months for the shattered fragments of the girl I once was....and finally convinced myself that these were all the pieces I had left. now i've found me again..and consequently....You have re-entered my life...bringing the rest of my heart...and those pieces of mine.....you shattered once more, but painlessly.....and used what you had of me and what else I had.....and re-made my heart and offered it back to me......i wanted you to keep it, it's yours....and it has always been so, despite my stubborn insistances of otherwise.
We destroyed what we had last time......and that past tried to arise once more to rear its ugly head, but we defeated it....won this battle....with the promise that this battle will never be fought again. I confide all of me with you.....everything that God allows me to give. I love you more than more than mostest of most than chicken loves waffles with mozerella sticks and dr pepper, more than juliet loved Romeo.......I just want you. I could care less about a ceremony...proper ettiquite....the white dress........the flowers......i'd give it all up if I knew it'd keep me from you. Help me to focus with you......so our eyes remain on just one thing........My Saviour, My God, My Jesus. you took the pieces of me and made them whole again, only because of the Lord.......I am yours...all He will allow, its yours. Take all of me as you give all of you............i want this.....i love you

Updates

okay, so i broke with tradition and didn't post in over a month!! sorry guys!! here's my updates

i'm passing all my classes, all A's except for education, which is a B. Found out last week that my private lesson teacher is gone this week taking lessons from Eddie Daniels.....yes, THE Eddie Daniels, aka the best clarinet player in the world, the top clarinetest, and most amazing saxophonist........and i'm getting the trickle down effect of this!! HOW TOTALLY AWESOME IS THAT! Thank You Jesus!!

Secondly, I'M ENGAGED. crazy, right? seems so, but to me this is just so wonderful. I love this man so much....God has put this back together. Everything seems wonderful, but I know the storms are well on their way. keep us in your prayers, we're gonna continue seeking His will until the very minute of "I Do"

God Bless You!

Venting

OKay, so i'm royally hacked today, so allow me to vent for a moment here!

I got a ticket today because I had no license plate and no seatbelt. the seatbelt is inexcusable, but i don't have a license plate because I haven't been able to go back to camden to have my car assessed, and i couldn't call in because I wasn't in the system. I had a job and band practice every friday night and wasn't able to go back to take care of business, so i finally took a monday morning off from classes and went to take care of business. I did it when I could as soon as I could.......then, my sister has the guts to tell me "shoulda taken care of your tags instead of getting a new phone".......and how many new phones has she gotten unnecessarily in the past year?? My old phone was glitchy and a friend of ours needed a new one, so I passed it on to her....so she wants to complain...

and on the subject of her, she posted a blog on yahoo 360 talking about how something had happened to her and that "my sister is the only one who cares, the only house I can run to" I'm not the sister she's talking about here.....I'm supposedly her "best girl" "best friend" but apparently I dont' hold that place anymore. I feel betrayed and abandoned right now, but i'm sure i'll be over it soon, as usual. I'm so sick of taking the backseat when I hold her first constantly, i put off plans with other friends and with family to hang out with her cause she wants to hang out, and i constantly get put in the backseat. I'm TIRED OF IT!

so yeah....i'm in need of prayer.....thank God i'm going to church tonight...I need Jesus right now.

What You Don't See

I've learned in this past week exactly how much people watch me. Not just the fact that i'm freakishly tall, but the fact that i'm Apostolic and different from everything they know. I had somebody post in my homesty box this past week "I love how you're always smilin. I'm a backslid Penny and seeing you reminds me of better days" left by an anonymus male. Today, in band, one of the flute players randomly walked up for me and said "I need you to pray for my aunt, she's....*leaving out details*...and they said you're the most spiritual person in the band so will you please pray for her?" People watch...even when you don't realize it and think nobody is looking. It's important to stay prayed up, i'm finding out. Be instant in season and out of season....cause you never know when you'll be called upon to witness or pray, or simply be yourself and be the only Bible some people read. My smile has always been one of the most important things about me....It's what i'm known for (besides the skirt and craziness). Even since I got the Holy Ghost three and a half years ago, i've prayed for joy to show through me and to flow through me. Before Jesus, I was a miserable and sad person. My smiles were fake, and my laughter was forced. Now I know Jesus, and life is joyous for me and i make sure everyone knows it, whether or not I try. People watch...always, so don't let your guard down and always walk in the way of Holiness....you might be somebody's saving grace

Praises!

okay, so i'm going to take this brief opportunity to post yet again! I'm waiting for time to leave for my first class, and I feel inspired!

So how truly awesome is Jesus? Seriously, how amazing is He? COMPLETLEY AND TOTALLY AMAZINGLY AWESOME!! I think it's incredible that He's providing so much for me left and right. Mom says i'm spoiled! :) Think about it....i'm getting paid to go to college......over two thousand dollars a year IN MY POCKET for going to classes and playing in the band. the Lord is incredible!! Most around me are stressing about the loans they have to take out to pay for their schooling, but thanks to Jesus, i'm all set! When I was trying to find the college that was in the Lord's will for me, i fleeced "Lord, wherever you want me to go, let me be completley paid for" and i'll be the first to tell you that He answers prayers! :D

Sadly, Ten AM has rolled around now so i'm gonna have to go to class. (O yeah...world lit.....how awesome is it to wake up in the morning and go study God's Word in class for credit?? We're in the book of Job and I LOVE IT!!)

God Bless in Jesus' name!

HATE IT

I hate having my heart broken.....i loathe it with a passion....especially when the guy breaking it has absolutley no idea what he's doing (or for his sake he'd better not)..........i shouldn't even have fallen for him.....and I did......and now it's been thrown back at my face....all because I wanted to wait....now he's just acting so unlike himself.....doing stuff that i'd pray he didn't do back home........acting ways that are so different from the boy i knew.......but hey, i guess that's what I get for staying away for so long, right?

Trying to Sort!

Okay, this is gonna sound totally random, but it's a whole load of stuff I want to get off my chest!

I like him.........yeah...but I said no, therefore giving him the opportunity to have free picking of whom he wishes......so why does it bug me...the even thought? Make sense at all? Shouldn't, but does.....gaaah.....i know its not the will of the Lord, and i'm staying with God, cause I asked Him to take away my feelings about it if it wasn't His will...but the feelings left, but that sore spot on my heart keeps throbbing away.....so what to do? The feelings seemingly left....but it's still a sore..one that's been there for a long while. So what is it? I think i'm not getting this right...either by thinking the feelings are gone, or for thinking they're still there....

What A Week!!

Okay, so this was the first week of summer band, right? Monday and Tuesday, inside learning music...we got the music sunday night, had to have it memorized and passed off by wednesday...yeah, i did it (go Jesus!), Wednesday and Thursday, PT outside....pushups galore....i still can't get up or raise my arms without wincing!! Good news is we got 5 sets on the field already!! Thursday at lunch, i find out that my Pastor was in a wreck that morning, fell asleep on his way home from work, and ran up against a bridge...you see, he hangs his hand out the window while he drives...wherefore, when he hit the bridge, he shattered his hand. the rotary bones in his left thumb were completley shattered, and he had surgery at 5 to save his hand, which, Praise the Lord, they did save. he's got a metal plate in his hand now, but he starts physical therapy next week, so please keep him in your prayers! Dorcors are predicting a month until he can fully use his hand again, but I know the God who can heal that hand up by morning if He wanted! I'm predicting one to two week time span for God to do something awesome with it! :D we're so thankful he's alive, cause he could've died..and me personally would be lost without Pastor. He's currently the man keeping my car running, not to mention the church! God bless my pastor! This morning, Mudda Teresa's dad passed away...he's been fighting a battle with cancer for a few months now and he lost last night, I know he's in the hand of a merciful God, and the cancer isn't bothering him now. I cant say if anything is. I'm staying here at college an extra day to go to the showing tomorrow night and the funeral saturday night before I go home...keep her in your prayers, please! She's been baptized but doesn't have the Holy Ghost yet, so pray for God to keep hold of her. Tomorrow is the last day of PT (and I am slightly sunburned btw), and i'll be glad to finish up so I can clean up this messy dorm room so Tiffany can move in on Sunday. Strangely, through these trials today and the past few weeks, i haven't really gotten that down...i've just vented, prayed, and moved on with it....God's really been there for me this week, despite my weaknesses, one of which i will NEVER even consider again! I almost missed church wednesday because of a piece of music i had to pass off, but you know what, God took care of it, and I went to church anyway and had a wonderful time! God's just awesome, and I praise Him cause Pastor is okay, and Teresa is gonna be good, and that I survived PT this week (which is one of the worst) and that God works things out awesomely!

anyways, i think i'm gonna try to hit the hay now...God Bless you!

Ah, The Sweet Smell of College!

So, I'm taking time out of this hectic schedule of mine to make a quick post about being back at college!! We moved in yesterday (Sunday) and band practice started today, I'm so glad to be back, and I missed everybody, but at the same time, I can't wait to get home for the weekend to get back to my church! i DID miss the friends I had here at UAM though! anyways, this is totally random and i'm going to bed now cause i've gotta be up at seven thirty in the morning to get ready for rehersal!!

God Bless!!

Struggle

Okay, so being caught in the struggle is bad....well, it feels bad right now anyways, but I know something good will come of it eventually. I woke up this morning just feeling like blah....and it's been a struggle! My dreams last night were kinda wacky...the kind of dreams where innocent little kids eyes flare red and they speak in really really deep voices while the room gets hazy...yeah, those kind of wacky dreams. I know it's just spiritual oppression, but i hate the feeling! Mom called this morning just to tell me that I needed to talk to my dad about having Joe help work on my car so we could all go to magic springs together saturday, and that I needed to go visit my grandpa more instead of just showing up when I needed something....ouch! It got me to thinking, and reality reared it's ugly head.....i DO only go see Papa when I need something...i don't know if it's just the fact of going in the liquor store to see him (he owns it) or if i'm just avoiding him for whatever reason, but she was right, and i need to start seeing him more. But that got me to thinking too...what about all these friends and people i told i'd come and see this summer that I have YET to hang out with? There's Sis. Leach, Natalie, Jessica, Melissa, Kelsey, Krista....the list goes on and on....and i only have four days left before I leave...and a car that's not exactly set to drive at the moment...so do I start hanging out with them on the weekend? will I have the gas? i dunno!!! This is one thing that will just have to play itself out...i'm gonna wait for school to start to go see Papa though....after the fight the other day, i'll lay low for a while. I do know that God is good though, and i do know that He will see me through and hold my hand and guide me in His will. Just keep me in your prayers!

God Bless!

Free Credit Report Dot Com

Okay, so i'm guessing that everybody with a television or a radio has heard a Free Credit Report Dot Com commercial, right? Has anybody ever actually stopped to listen to what they're saying? Take the dream girl one........"Well I married my dream girl, I married my dream girl, but she didn't tell me her credit was bad, so now instead of living in a pleasant suburb, we're living in the basement at her mom and dad's, no we can't get a loan, for a respectable home, just because my girl defaulted on some old credit card, if we'd gone to free credit report dot com, i'd be a happy bachelor with a dog and a yard." So here's the question for this one........would somebody actually call off an engagement or a wedding because one party has bad credit? Think about it...if somebody was deeply and madly in love, to his "dream girl", and he found out she had horrible credit, would he dump her because they can't buy a house jointly? Couldn't he just use his credit to get the house or the loan and have both make payments on it and sign a prenup? I mean come on, use some common sense! Then the pirate one "They say a man should always dress for the job he wants, so why'm i dressed up like a pirate in this restaraunt? It's all because some hacker stole my identity, now i'm in here every evening serving chowder and iced tea. Shoulda gone to free credit report dot com (Yehaw) i could've seen this coming at me like an atom bomb, they monitor your credit and send you email alerts, so you don't end up selling fish to tourists in T-shirts" OKay................so why is he working at a corny version of red lobster? Let's just say this guy has a MBA and somebody stole his identity....would he have to take on another job to pay off the debt or do you seriously think he'd get fired because his identity was stolen? This jingle implies that this was the only job he could get...so i don't get it! The last one, however, is a little more believable. "I was shoppin for a new car, which one's me, a cool convertible or an SUV. Too bad I didn't know my credit was whack cause now i'm drivin off the lot in a used sub-compact F-R-E-E that spells free, credit report dot com baby" Okay, so bad credit caused him to get a crappy car.........would checking the website ahead of time helped him get a better car? If your credit stinks, your credit stinks, and there's nothing a report can do about it...so why would that change the fact he got a banged-up blue geo metro?

Those are my thoughts for the day....some inspired by a conversation with Yvonne at Huddle House at who knows what time at night. Whaddya think?

Ash

I Love God So Much!!

Service tonight was AMAZING!!!! Actually, all day was tubular. This morning in service, we just praised and praised and praised...lol, we actually missed sunday school. Tonight was just as incredibly awesome, Joe almost got the Holy Ghost...he just has to learn to yield to what the Holy Ghost wants and he'll get it! We had prayer meeting before night services (ya know, gas being so high and the fact that nobody from the church in Bearden actually lives in Bearden)..and it was so sweet!! Adrionna (3) and Haylie (turned 2 today) were praying with us. I had Haylie in my lap and she got down when Bro. Adam got in the "prayer chair" and put her little hand on his knee and scrunched up her face and prayed for him, then saw his wife sitting in the floor with her hand on his foot, and put her hand on his foot and kept praying, and then back on his knee with her scrunced face. it was so sweet!!!! Adrionna kept getting back up in the chair and saying "pray for me!" and was going up and laying hands on people and praying for them too, it was so sweet!!

Okay, so here's just a little background information. I go to the Lighthouse of Hope Apostolic church of Bearden, Arkansas. We're really really tiny and we're independent (meaning not UPC, ACJC, ALJC, PAW, or anything else). We usually run somewhere around 20 people. There's my pastor and his wife (aka, Pastor and Mama Givens) and their daughter Suzie, who is also my bestest friend ever. They have a son named James Jr who is married to Jodie recently and has 4 stepkids now, Blake, Bryce, Briar, and Brennan (Jodie's first marraige). Then there's Courtney and Adam, married for 7 years, i think...Courtney was married to Mama Givens nephew and he was adulterous, so they split and she married Adam. Adam is the adopted son of Bro. George, who sits in the back all the time. Next is Joe and Cassie, Joe is Pastor and Mama Givens nephew, he's still trying to get the Holy Ghost, he's only been in church a year, and Cassie is Suzie's friend from ages ago and my friend too. She backslid and got pregnant with Adrionna (Adrie) and she's back in church now, doing wonderfully, They're married and have another daughter, Haylie, (Hayhay) and another on the way, she's due in January. They're madly in love, even though they fight like an old married couple. I'm friends with both Joe and Cassie and i absolutley love babysitting the girls. My nickname Kakkawee came from haylie who couldn't say my name right. She can say it now, but the name stuck. Anyway, in continuance, There's me, who has been in church for three years and my mother who has been in church almost one year now. Tiffany, my college roommate and Sisterhood sister, has had the Holy Ghost three weeks now and comes occasionally when she can, and lastly, but certianly not leastly, Mother Teresa and Bro. Eddie.....we call her Mother Teresa (or more appropriatley Mudda Resa) cause Sister Teresa sounded so strange and she suggested it so it stuck!. They're in and out, and i don't i've ever seen a couple so plagued by bad things!. That's another story though. We have more that come and go, but i'll talk about them later. We're just a little home missions church in the middle of this little podunk town, which i love even though i don't live there.

I think that's all i'll write for now. Later!

Mmm! First Blog!

Hi!!! Being as you may or may not know who this is, i'll just tell you that this is a blog about life. My life, and the lives of others to be exact. I write a lot...some things inspired and some things just to get off my chest, but the most important thing is, I wrote them. I'm an 18 year old Sophomore from UAM, majoring in Music Education and trying to make it through college while still maintaining SOME form of decency and modesty! (I'm Apostolic in case you were wondering) So, thus ends my introduction, and now I can get down to the meat of things!