So....it has been 1 year, 9 months.....yeah, you know what i'm talking about....and i still fight back tears from time to time....i get fighting mad over it...i scream at them, though they'll never hear me.....and the whole thing still pisses me off. Now they pretend they were still right only to discover that i wasn't the source neither was i the instigator...i mean, i'm not the one on my fourth girlfriend, right?
i haven't been to church since easter. that's 16 weeks....17 later on today. I don't want to go back here.....it feels to me like trying to swallow corn syrup...thick, nasty flavored but sweet, and choking me. I don't even bother trying to explain why shane wants to be a recluse when it comes to church. Our families know what's going on...they don't agree, but they understand, which helps for them to know that we don't want to reject God..just this idiotic man-made standard of behavior that "saints" seem to deem acceptable. Only two people even bothered to say "i'm praying for you and i love you"...only TWO out of a church of 60-90. That hurts....that hurts bad. Unloved is NOT something you should EVER feel from a church, and two in a row is past my limit by at least six. It hurts not having a church family near that wants you for reasons other than numbers. Don't get me wrong though...we have a "family" here that we are proud to be a part of. Our Knights/Lady Knights family is amazing. They step up and fend for us when we can't, and we do the same. We love, we fight, we yell, we whisper, we're everything a family should be. (I also have my Sigma Sisters. They're just on my part though. Shane tends to avoid the girly stuff at all costs) They're incredible, but they're not a spiritual support. Kavan is the closest thing we have to a preacher, but i'm still afraid to open up to him and confess stuff like this when i can't even talk to my husband about this....Shane doesn't know that I still cry....about church, about my grandma, about the dreams i have sometimes...I know he hates to see me cry and he can't do anything to help me feel better other than hold me until the tears stop. I don't want to hurt in front of him because then he hurts. He shouldn't hurt because the Givens' were too stupid to see what was going on and so easily lay the blame on me. I tried a million times to forgive and forget....but then they pop up so causally. I'll dream about them, like i've been doing a lot here lately. My dreams are getting scary again...which means something is up. Sometimes dreams come true, and that scares me.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Inspired!
so, after hours of browsing blogger, i'm inspired to post! ^_^
I'm finished worrying about this church mess...if i'm going to move on and find myself the rebirth i want, i'm leaving this behind and moving forward. God forgive me when i explain to carolyn exactly why i've had enough, and i hope she understands that i'm thankful for everything she's done for me......but its gotten to the point where i'm afraid to do anything for her because she's going to hold it over my head. i guess i just have to step out and decide what's best for me. and ultimatley, i think that WILL be best for me.
anyways, i'm off here, tonight is the first night since Christmas that Shane and i have been home together...we've been working since then! so, i'm off to enjoy the evening with my husband. night guys!
I'm finished worrying about this church mess...if i'm going to move on and find myself the rebirth i want, i'm leaving this behind and moving forward. God forgive me when i explain to carolyn exactly why i've had enough, and i hope she understands that i'm thankful for everything she's done for me......but its gotten to the point where i'm afraid to do anything for her because she's going to hold it over my head. i guess i just have to step out and decide what's best for me. and ultimatley, i think that WILL be best for me.
anyways, i'm off here, tonight is the first night since Christmas that Shane and i have been home together...we've been working since then! so, i'm off to enjoy the evening with my husband. night guys!
Does Anyone Ever Even Read This?
so, it's three am, i have class tomorrow which i'm not going to, a lesson at one that im going to have to wait and see how my throat feels, and band, which applies to the same principle. I'm taking the national leadership advisor for Tri Sigma to lunch tomorrow since she's in town and nobody else is free, and i myself am questioning exactly why i'm up this late, but there are more pressing matters at hand.
i've backslid a bit.......i know i have. backslid means to be fallen from a former point, to have regressed from the best you've been, to not do as well as you once were, to cease doing that which is good for you. We (my husband and I) have both stopped going to church here in monticello...why, you ask? see my earlier posts for a full explanation, please. It's become nearly unbearable to maintain a pleasant composure when being interrogated and "one-upped" by the church body when i attend. Yes, i know my husband hasn't been to church since last semester, i'm very much well aware of this fact, but before you go pegging him to be a backslid hypocrite bent on nothing but destroying my walk with God, please, stop and listen to the whole story first. I tell him everything that goes on, in anything, even church. The only thing I have neglected to speak with my husband about is my sorority initation ritual, out of respect for my fellow sisters, and there's an understood bond between us on this subject that if something was out of order, he would know. He knows the things you say about him to my face, and we know what you've been saying to others when we're not there. Everything was fine here until church became an obstacle course to try and escape the constant questions. Shane dislikes this church because 1. when he worships, he's one of only a few. Do you have any idea how disheartening it is to go somewhere, worship your heart out, and then have someone tell you what an inspiration it is to watch you? truly, this sounds like something all humans want to hear, but not when your goal is to have at least a majority worshipping with you. You feel all alone when people make comments like that.... 2. when he DOES show up, all he hears about is how long its been since the last time he was there. the "we missed you's" and the "i was worried's" would be much better if they were genuine and not "i'm asking this so you can't claim I don't care" That was a problem for me even before shane got here.... then, after two months of no church at all, i finally agree with carolyn to come back on sunday morning, and what am I confronted with as soon as church is over? "where is your husband? why isn't he here? he should quit that job if he can't be here! tell the people you meet with that they should reschedule everything around you so you can be here...they'd do it if you were a muslim!" ....there is no "hi, i missed you so much" there's just *BOOM* interrogation. I come home and tell shane how it was, and i'm honest.....if the tables were turned...i wouldn't want to come back either.... then, there's the issue that happened with a friend of ours who was coming to church here...
she's starting to "experiment" with the world. no, this is not good, yes, she knows better. is me griping at her and immediatley passing judgement going to get anywhere? no, it will not. then, a woman from church that works on campus finds out that this friend of mine has begun to wear blue jeans when hanging with her friends....she then tracks my friend across campus to find her in the parking lot of one of the dorms with her friends, and starts chastizing her right there in front of them. she tells her things like "you're a dissapointment to this campus" and "a disgrace for doing this" and that she needs to get right and be at church tomorrow. is the friend in pants wrong for what she's wearing? by the Apostolic and biblical standard (Deut. 22:5) yes. Is the saint wrong for hunting her down and bashing here like that, yes, she is too. matter of fact, they're both wrong because sin is sin...its equal in the sight of God, now true, one doing an abominable act and one just doing your run of the mill judging isn't equal in our eyes, but sin is still sin. it's still a stain on your white garment on judgement day. But that's not what i'm getting at here. my point here is, why in the world would i want to start going back to church somewhere where the people talk bad about you behind your back, pass judgement oh so quickly, nonchalantly sit through church, thinking that they're just fine because "i've been here for years, surely God knows my name by now"......do you see why im so frustrated, reader? I know i'm not right myself....i haven't been to church to worship in ages...i haven't studied my bible in longer....when i get the nightly prayer requests on facebook, i open them up, ask God to hear the prayers of Team ministry, generalize the requests but still list people by name, and close it out. I'm not right, i know....but i'm certianly not admitting that to the saints here....
have you ever considered that the backslider stays out of church...not because they're afraid of God's judgement, but because they're afraid of His people's judgement?
i've backslid a bit.......i know i have. backslid means to be fallen from a former point, to have regressed from the best you've been, to not do as well as you once were, to cease doing that which is good for you. We (my husband and I) have both stopped going to church here in monticello...why, you ask? see my earlier posts for a full explanation, please. It's become nearly unbearable to maintain a pleasant composure when being interrogated and "one-upped" by the church body when i attend. Yes, i know my husband hasn't been to church since last semester, i'm very much well aware of this fact, but before you go pegging him to be a backslid hypocrite bent on nothing but destroying my walk with God, please, stop and listen to the whole story first. I tell him everything that goes on, in anything, even church. The only thing I have neglected to speak with my husband about is my sorority initation ritual, out of respect for my fellow sisters, and there's an understood bond between us on this subject that if something was out of order, he would know. He knows the things you say about him to my face, and we know what you've been saying to others when we're not there. Everything was fine here until church became an obstacle course to try and escape the constant questions. Shane dislikes this church because 1. when he worships, he's one of only a few. Do you have any idea how disheartening it is to go somewhere, worship your heart out, and then have someone tell you what an inspiration it is to watch you? truly, this sounds like something all humans want to hear, but not when your goal is to have at least a majority worshipping with you. You feel all alone when people make comments like that.... 2. when he DOES show up, all he hears about is how long its been since the last time he was there. the "we missed you's" and the "i was worried's" would be much better if they were genuine and not "i'm asking this so you can't claim I don't care" That was a problem for me even before shane got here.... then, after two months of no church at all, i finally agree with carolyn to come back on sunday morning, and what am I confronted with as soon as church is over? "where is your husband? why isn't he here? he should quit that job if he can't be here! tell the people you meet with that they should reschedule everything around you so you can be here...they'd do it if you were a muslim!" ....there is no "hi, i missed you so much" there's just *BOOM* interrogation. I come home and tell shane how it was, and i'm honest.....if the tables were turned...i wouldn't want to come back either.... then, there's the issue that happened with a friend of ours who was coming to church here...
she's starting to "experiment" with the world. no, this is not good, yes, she knows better. is me griping at her and immediatley passing judgement going to get anywhere? no, it will not. then, a woman from church that works on campus finds out that this friend of mine has begun to wear blue jeans when hanging with her friends....she then tracks my friend across campus to find her in the parking lot of one of the dorms with her friends, and starts chastizing her right there in front of them. she tells her things like "you're a dissapointment to this campus" and "a disgrace for doing this" and that she needs to get right and be at church tomorrow. is the friend in pants wrong for what she's wearing? by the Apostolic and biblical standard (Deut. 22:5) yes. Is the saint wrong for hunting her down and bashing here like that, yes, she is too. matter of fact, they're both wrong because sin is sin...its equal in the sight of God, now true, one doing an abominable act and one just doing your run of the mill judging isn't equal in our eyes, but sin is still sin. it's still a stain on your white garment on judgement day. But that's not what i'm getting at here. my point here is, why in the world would i want to start going back to church somewhere where the people talk bad about you behind your back, pass judgement oh so quickly, nonchalantly sit through church, thinking that they're just fine because "i've been here for years, surely God knows my name by now"......do you see why im so frustrated, reader? I know i'm not right myself....i haven't been to church to worship in ages...i haven't studied my bible in longer....when i get the nightly prayer requests on facebook, i open them up, ask God to hear the prayers of Team ministry, generalize the requests but still list people by name, and close it out. I'm not right, i know....but i'm certianly not admitting that to the saints here....
have you ever considered that the backslider stays out of church...not because they're afraid of God's judgement, but because they're afraid of His people's judgement?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I Just Don't Wanna
I just don't wanna do band anymore. I don't want to deal with push-ups, block warmup, extra practices, rehearsal, no free weekends, or tons of music to learn.
I just don't wanna get up for classes anymore. I don't wanna wake up early for a class i'll never use or care for. I don't wanna get up knowing i'll have no idea what we're doing today or what the interval she's playing is. I don't wanna run into Carolyn and listen to her tell me how much everyone misses me, knowing that this is what is said to my face and knowing what is said when i'm not around.
I don't wanna go to this church anymore. I'm tired of everyone assuming i'm backslid because I haven't been there. I don't wanna be there to listen to the offhand comments about my husband. I don't wanna hear their half-baked opinion that he's the one that pulled me out of church and that he too is in dire need of some saving. I don't wanna face the "where have you been" questions, don't wanna hear how worried you've been. How can you possibly be worried when you talk trash about me when i'm not there? Please, somebody show me how this is possible. I haven't quit God. I haven't quit pressing onward and upward. I've come too far to turn back now, and I don't need your crap, i have enough to deal with.
I don't wanna get hurt anymore. Its been a year now since the rug got ripped out from under me, and i'm half-glad I saw the hole in the floor before they put this one down...because that's probably what would happen again. I'm tired of people thinking i'm stuck up, tired of people assuming i think i'm better than they are, tired of people making rude comments when they think I can't hear. I don't wanna put my trust into someone else and watch it get ripped away again.
I don't wanna think that everything i've done thus far amounts to nothing in the end. I don't wanna believe that Japanese class will eventually amount to nothing, don't wanna think that the music i worked so hard to learn will be forgotten next season, don't wanna believe that my marraige amounts to nothing more than a branch on the family tree to everyone else.
I don't wanna fight anymore. I'm tired of choking back tears all the time. I'm tired of bawling my eyes out like a baby every time we go to Meme's grave. I'm tired of the family constantly fighting, tired of Mom getting her heart broken time and time again, tired of her rushing in and setting herself up for heartbreak. I don't wanna defend one, just to have them prove the opposing opinion right time and time again.
I don't wanna...........I just don't wanna....
I just don't wanna get up for classes anymore. I don't wanna wake up early for a class i'll never use or care for. I don't wanna get up knowing i'll have no idea what we're doing today or what the interval she's playing is. I don't wanna run into Carolyn and listen to her tell me how much everyone misses me, knowing that this is what is said to my face and knowing what is said when i'm not around.
I don't wanna go to this church anymore. I'm tired of everyone assuming i'm backslid because I haven't been there. I don't wanna be there to listen to the offhand comments about my husband. I don't wanna hear their half-baked opinion that he's the one that pulled me out of church and that he too is in dire need of some saving. I don't wanna face the "where have you been" questions, don't wanna hear how worried you've been. How can you possibly be worried when you talk trash about me when i'm not there? Please, somebody show me how this is possible. I haven't quit God. I haven't quit pressing onward and upward. I've come too far to turn back now, and I don't need your crap, i have enough to deal with.
I don't wanna get hurt anymore. Its been a year now since the rug got ripped out from under me, and i'm half-glad I saw the hole in the floor before they put this one down...because that's probably what would happen again. I'm tired of people thinking i'm stuck up, tired of people assuming i think i'm better than they are, tired of people making rude comments when they think I can't hear. I don't wanna put my trust into someone else and watch it get ripped away again.
I don't wanna think that everything i've done thus far amounts to nothing in the end. I don't wanna believe that Japanese class will eventually amount to nothing, don't wanna think that the music i worked so hard to learn will be forgotten next season, don't wanna believe that my marraige amounts to nothing more than a branch on the family tree to everyone else.
I don't wanna fight anymore. I'm tired of choking back tears all the time. I'm tired of bawling my eyes out like a baby every time we go to Meme's grave. I'm tired of the family constantly fighting, tired of Mom getting her heart broken time and time again, tired of her rushing in and setting herself up for heartbreak. I don't wanna defend one, just to have them prove the opposing opinion right time and time again.
I don't wanna...........I just don't wanna....
Sunday, November 22, 2009
At the Hotel...Yet again!
Soo, in the two months that I haven't posted this is what all has aspired!
I have decided that I detest marching band and have seriously rethought my major after taking Japanese and both excelling and enjoying it. However, i love music too much to abandon it like that, and a Modern Languages major would have to spend three semesters in a spanish-speaking country in order to achieve a bachelor's degree. The main two languages offered are French and Spanish..so its not worth it. possible career option: Japanese 3 and 4 are offered as independent studies and then there is the Japanese Language Proficiency test that gives you a certificate stating that you are certified to speak and read Japanese. I'm looking at finishing with my bachelors in music and my masters in education (prayerfully doing this through another education school...i DETEST UAM school of education...) and if that doesn't work out, find a job somewhere as a translator. :D
Married life is going wonderfully. This weekend was the longest time we've spent apart since the wedding and lemme tell you, when i got home tonight, i hit the door running and shane was running too. :D it was a big fleshy bellyflop when we met, but it was worth it. I missed that man like crazy. :D I thank God for blessing me with him.
Okay, so an update on school groups and stuff. As of Nov 15th, I am officially a Sigma Sigma Sigma. No, I dont party. No, I don't drink. No, I'm not smoking or doing drugs. I looked into this carefully before deciding to pursue this. all official sorority business, like mixers and socials, are to be completley non-alcohol related and usually involve us standing around laughing with the other group. After the "official" event is over, I leave because it is no longer sorority business. The pledging process was nice, there was no hazing involved, just encouragement, strangely enough! :D the group went out of their way to make us feel special and loved and to let us know we were beautiful, amazing, and strong women. This group of girls makes me proud to call them sisters. :D
Well, i think that's about it. I'm about to get off here and go snuggle on the couch in the lobby and finish my book. :D God Bless you and keep both my husband and I in your prayers. Happy Thanksgiving!
*I am thankful for ALL God has done for me and in me. :D*
I have decided that I detest marching band and have seriously rethought my major after taking Japanese and both excelling and enjoying it. However, i love music too much to abandon it like that, and a Modern Languages major would have to spend three semesters in a spanish-speaking country in order to achieve a bachelor's degree. The main two languages offered are French and Spanish..so its not worth it. possible career option: Japanese 3 and 4 are offered as independent studies and then there is the Japanese Language Proficiency test that gives you a certificate stating that you are certified to speak and read Japanese. I'm looking at finishing with my bachelors in music and my masters in education (prayerfully doing this through another education school...i DETEST UAM school of education...) and if that doesn't work out, find a job somewhere as a translator. :D
Married life is going wonderfully. This weekend was the longest time we've spent apart since the wedding and lemme tell you, when i got home tonight, i hit the door running and shane was running too. :D it was a big fleshy bellyflop when we met, but it was worth it. I missed that man like crazy. :D I thank God for blessing me with him.
Okay, so an update on school groups and stuff. As of Nov 15th, I am officially a Sigma Sigma Sigma. No, I dont party. No, I don't drink. No, I'm not smoking or doing drugs. I looked into this carefully before deciding to pursue this. all official sorority business, like mixers and socials, are to be completley non-alcohol related and usually involve us standing around laughing with the other group. After the "official" event is over, I leave because it is no longer sorority business. The pledging process was nice, there was no hazing involved, just encouragement, strangely enough! :D the group went out of their way to make us feel special and loved and to let us know we were beautiful, amazing, and strong women. This group of girls makes me proud to call them sisters. :D
Well, i think that's about it. I'm about to get off here and go snuggle on the couch in the lobby and finish my book. :D God Bless you and keep both my husband and I in your prayers. Happy Thanksgiving!
*I am thankful for ALL God has done for me and in me. :D*
Friday, September 11, 2009
Been a Long Time!
wow, i haven't posted in forever!! Things have been crazy since school started back, shane now has my job at the hotel, working graveyards on the weekends so we can pay the bills, i am family housing coordinator at UAM, which is working out pretty swell thus far, and i just got the position of music librarian as a work study job, and according to the band director, i'm in for it cause that place is a wreck!
School is going great, i love my music classes, as usual, biology is okay, the lab is a drag, and i'm taking japanese as my modern language. I think it's awesome and I love it, but most everybody else thinks i'm crazy for tackling a whole new culture instead of one i'm a little more familiar with like spanish. me, on the other hand, is estatic to finally be able to start reading all the background text in anime films! ;)
While on subject of school, Lady Knights are up and at 'em again, we are giving out our membership bids this week, and hopefully by next week, things will be getting into the swing of pledging season! :D I'm excited about all our new girls coming in, and i hope they make it through until the final night of pledging!! :) i wish i could do it again *sigh*. Oh, and speaking of joining new organizations, alex is trying to get me in to tri sigma. I'm not so sure about it.....
Church is going okay, i haven't made a wednesday night service in forever because those 7pm meetings are lasting longer than they are supposed to! i'm ready to get back in the swing of church again, with the wedding and everything this summer, things got crazy for a while and we missed a lot of services, and my job didn't help any because i couldn't stay awake through sunday morning...now i'm not on graveyards anymore...and i wish my husband wasn't either, but we need the money right now...the people here mean well, i know...but having little old ladies running after my moving car yelling "where is your husband?!" gets old after about the first time. Shane still comes, but he's so discouraged because everyone comments on his absences. "and just where were you?" like i said, they mean well, but some of these old biddies are gonna peck the young ones to death if they don't quit. and to top that off, we were both "born" spiritually in Smackover, AR. If you've ever been there, it's almost like being in revival 24/7, because everyone worships instead of sitting on the pew looking around waiting for someone else to take the dive...sadly, its not the case most of the time with just about any other church. I'm not saying that there aren't churches like that around, just none around here. He came from being able to worship freely to having people come up to him afterward "i sure did enjoy watching you worship tonight" his reply? "why watch when you can participate?" its like a whole different world worship-wise. he has never really been somewhere where just a few are the "leaders" in worship service...and it's been terribly discouraging to him.
anyways, i'm babbling on and on and i have homework to do! i'll catch you all later, and God Bless!
School is going great, i love my music classes, as usual, biology is okay, the lab is a drag, and i'm taking japanese as my modern language. I think it's awesome and I love it, but most everybody else thinks i'm crazy for tackling a whole new culture instead of one i'm a little more familiar with like spanish. me, on the other hand, is estatic to finally be able to start reading all the background text in anime films! ;)
While on subject of school, Lady Knights are up and at 'em again, we are giving out our membership bids this week, and hopefully by next week, things will be getting into the swing of pledging season! :D I'm excited about all our new girls coming in, and i hope they make it through until the final night of pledging!! :) i wish i could do it again *sigh*. Oh, and speaking of joining new organizations, alex is trying to get me in to tri sigma. I'm not so sure about it.....
Church is going okay, i haven't made a wednesday night service in forever because those 7pm meetings are lasting longer than they are supposed to! i'm ready to get back in the swing of church again, with the wedding and everything this summer, things got crazy for a while and we missed a lot of services, and my job didn't help any because i couldn't stay awake through sunday morning...now i'm not on graveyards anymore...and i wish my husband wasn't either, but we need the money right now...the people here mean well, i know...but having little old ladies running after my moving car yelling "where is your husband?!" gets old after about the first time. Shane still comes, but he's so discouraged because everyone comments on his absences. "and just where were you?" like i said, they mean well, but some of these old biddies are gonna peck the young ones to death if they don't quit. and to top that off, we were both "born" spiritually in Smackover, AR. If you've ever been there, it's almost like being in revival 24/7, because everyone worships instead of sitting on the pew looking around waiting for someone else to take the dive...sadly, its not the case most of the time with just about any other church. I'm not saying that there aren't churches like that around, just none around here. He came from being able to worship freely to having people come up to him afterward "i sure did enjoy watching you worship tonight" his reply? "why watch when you can participate?" its like a whole different world worship-wise. he has never really been somewhere where just a few are the "leaders" in worship service...and it's been terribly discouraging to him.
anyways, i'm babbling on and on and i have homework to do! i'll catch you all later, and God Bless!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
a whoooole month later
:D hi!! I write to you now as a married woman! :D the wedding went great! other than a little family drama afterwards, everything was perfects at the wedding/reception/honeymoon. New Orleans was amazing and I can't wait to go back! for now, shane and i are just settling into our new home and getting ready for school to start back, so not much new here! :P
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