Does Anyone Ever Even Read This?

so, it's three am, i have class tomorrow which i'm not going to, a lesson at one that im going to have to wait and see how my throat feels, and band, which applies to the same principle. I'm taking the national leadership advisor for Tri Sigma to lunch tomorrow since she's in town and nobody else is free, and i myself am questioning exactly why i'm up this late, but there are more pressing matters at hand.

i've backslid a bit.......i know i have. backslid means to be fallen from a former point, to have regressed from the best you've been, to not do as well as you once were, to cease doing that which is good for you. We (my husband and I) have both stopped going to church here in monticello...why, you ask? see my earlier posts for a full explanation, please. It's become nearly unbearable to maintain a pleasant composure when being interrogated and "one-upped" by the church body when i attend. Yes, i know my husband hasn't been to church since last semester, i'm very much well aware of this fact, but before you go pegging him to be a backslid hypocrite bent on nothing but destroying my walk with God, please, stop and listen to the whole story first. I tell him everything that goes on, in anything, even church. The only thing I have neglected to speak with my husband about is my sorority initation ritual, out of respect for my fellow sisters, and there's an understood bond between us on this subject that if something was out of order, he would know. He knows the things you say about him to my face, and we know what you've been saying to others when we're not there. Everything was fine here until church became an obstacle course to try and escape the constant questions. Shane dislikes this church because 1. when he worships, he's one of only a few. Do you have any idea how disheartening it is to go somewhere, worship your heart out, and then have someone tell you what an inspiration it is to watch you? truly, this sounds like something all humans want to hear, but not when your goal is to have at least a majority worshipping with you. You feel all alone when people make comments like that.... 2. when he DOES show up, all he hears about is how long its been since the last time he was there. the "we missed you's" and the "i was worried's" would be much better if they were genuine and not "i'm asking this so you can't claim I don't care" That was a problem for me even before shane got here.... then, after two months of no church at all, i finally agree with carolyn to come back on sunday morning, and what am I confronted with as soon as church is over? "where is your husband? why isn't he here? he should quit that job if he can't be here! tell the people you meet with that they should reschedule everything around you so you can be here...they'd do it if you were a muslim!" ....there is no "hi, i missed you so much" there's just *BOOM* interrogation. I come home and tell shane how it was, and i'm honest.....if the tables were turned...i wouldn't want to come back either.... then, there's the issue that happened with a friend of ours who was coming to church here...

she's starting to "experiment" with the world. no, this is not good, yes, she knows better. is me griping at her and immediatley passing judgement going to get anywhere? no, it will not. then, a woman from church that works on campus finds out that this friend of mine has begun to wear blue jeans when hanging with her friends....she then tracks my friend across campus to find her in the parking lot of one of the dorms with her friends, and starts chastizing her right there in front of them. she tells her things like "you're a dissapointment to this campus" and "a disgrace for doing this" and that she needs to get right and be at church tomorrow. is the friend in pants wrong for what she's wearing? by the Apostolic and biblical standard (Deut. 22:5) yes. Is the saint wrong for hunting her down and bashing here like that, yes, she is too. matter of fact, they're both wrong because sin is sin...its equal in the sight of God, now true, one doing an abominable act and one just doing your run of the mill judging isn't equal in our eyes, but sin is still sin. it's still a stain on your white garment on judgement day. But that's not what i'm getting at here. my point here is, why in the world would i want to start going back to church somewhere where the people talk bad about you behind your back, pass judgement oh so quickly, nonchalantly sit through church, thinking that they're just fine because "i've been here for years, surely God knows my name by now"......do you see why im so frustrated, reader? I know i'm not right myself....i haven't been to church to worship in ages...i haven't studied my bible in longer....when i get the nightly prayer requests on facebook, i open them up, ask God to hear the prayers of Team ministry, generalize the requests but still list people by name, and close it out. I'm not right, i know....but i'm certianly not admitting that to the saints here....

have you ever considered that the backslider stays out of church...not because they're afraid of God's judgement, but because they're afraid of His people's judgement?