I Just Don't Wanna

I just don't wanna do band anymore. I don't want to deal with push-ups, block warmup, extra practices, rehearsal, no free weekends, or tons of music to learn.

I just don't wanna get up for classes anymore. I don't wanna wake up early for a class i'll never use or care for. I don't wanna get up knowing i'll have no idea what we're doing today or what the interval she's playing is. I don't wanna run into Carolyn and listen to her tell me how much everyone misses me, knowing that this is what is said to my face and knowing what is said when i'm not around.

I don't wanna go to this church anymore. I'm tired of everyone assuming i'm backslid because I haven't been there. I don't wanna be there to listen to the offhand comments about my husband. I don't wanna hear their half-baked opinion that he's the one that pulled me out of church and that he too is in dire need of some saving. I don't wanna face the "where have you been" questions, don't wanna hear how worried you've been. How can you possibly be worried when you talk trash about me when i'm not there? Please, somebody show me how this is possible. I haven't quit God. I haven't quit pressing onward and upward. I've come too far to turn back now, and I don't need your crap, i have enough to deal with.

I don't wanna get hurt anymore. Its been a year now since the rug got ripped out from under me, and i'm half-glad I saw the hole in the floor before they put this one down...because that's probably what would happen again. I'm tired of people thinking i'm stuck up, tired of people assuming i think i'm better than they are, tired of people making rude comments when they think I can't hear. I don't wanna put my trust into someone else and watch it get ripped away again.

I don't wanna think that everything i've done thus far amounts to nothing in the end. I don't wanna believe that Japanese class will eventually amount to nothing, don't wanna think that the music i worked so hard to learn will be forgotten next season, don't wanna believe that my marraige amounts to nothing more than a branch on the family tree to everyone else.

I don't wanna fight anymore. I'm tired of choking back tears all the time. I'm tired of bawling my eyes out like a baby every time we go to Meme's grave. I'm tired of the family constantly fighting, tired of Mom getting her heart broken time and time again, tired of her rushing in and setting herself up for heartbreak. I don't wanna defend one, just to have them prove the opposing opinion right time and time again.

I don't wanna...........I just don't wanna....