Cries of My Weeping Heart

Here I go again

lost another battle my friend

it was You who bled for me, died for me

it was even you who sat and cried for me

but what's your payment, what's your reward

again, yet again, I nail Your hand to the board.

I was never worthy, I couldn't even scream

but You, You claimed me among the redeemed

so here I am, fallen once more

paralyzed by fear, of rejection from the Door

Can You, will You, fix this mess?

I try, I cry, and more and more I'm oppressed

I know I fell back into this

this sin should I never miss

yet fall again, and fall again, into the mire I go

filthy are now these rags, that once were white as snow

I can't get up, not on my own

God, I beg You, don't leave me here alone!

Maybe its part of some eternal plan

but help me up Lord, use me if you can

Randomness at Night

I realized that it's been forever since I posted anything on here, so this is what's on my mind

Things have gotten better since last year's end-of-year drama. I still haven't seen or heard from what used to be my pastor, nor have they made any attempt to contact me, which hurts, but i know it's for the better. I'm actually kinda liking being out on my own. I'm still involved in church and everything, but I just feel like I have more freedom to breathe now. I have yet to decide if that's a good or bad thing, but I do know that I'm now able to step out and make my own decisions instead of living on everyone else's opinion. I'm pledging Lady Knights, and I honestly don't believe that they're secretly evil. Matter of fact, all I've seen of them thus far is good. They help, do service to the community, maintain honor, and actually are quite respected for that. The dean told me the other day (yes, the dean of my university) that Lady Knights is a good thing, and so is band. I had to get his signature for pledging. But now that I can breathe, I'm itching to run away for a weekend to Mississippi, which is less than an hour from here. My uncle lives in Jackson, and offered me a place to stay when I come down, and i'm planning to go in the next couple of weeks to go look at wedding stuff down there. I just want to see the Mississippi. I want to feel the freedom of crossing the river and soaring......i just want out of Arkansas for a little while!!!!!!

School is okay..i'm dropping my Needs of Diverse Learner's class.....i can't stand the teacher. This class is supposed to give a better idea and methods as to how to handle special needs children and children of other cultures, but my teacher constantly turns it into a black and white debate. Today, for instance, we were discussing how Brown vs. Board of Education opened the door for lawsuits that made special education programs available like they are today, and she went off for twenty minutes talking about how her school was segregated until the ninth grade and how she had to drink from the colored fountian....I understand how Brown vs. the Board of Education is related to this, but that is not what we were talking about! It's an every day thing in her class, the race discussion. Honestly, if I could get into the Education program without this class, i'd skip it altogether. I'm dropping it and taking Dr. Snow this summer or next fall. I've had it with that class! We haven't really even learned anything new. I learned that gifted and talented are part of the same group as special education, but that's about it. I wish i'dve dropped it sooner, so i could get my money back at least!

Wedding plans are running along swimmingly. now all that's really left is to plan out the ceremony and the scriptures and who is doing what and that's about it. Buy decorations, dress, flowers, cake and then actually get married. That's the extent to what we have finished. :) I'm so excited! Ironically though, the cheapest place i've found to stay in Hot Springs...is the KNIGHT'S inn. :P incredible, right? However, the bed and breakfast seems just a little bit better!

Hiya!!!

okay, i know, i know, i haven't posted anything in a loong while..i apologize profusely to start with, and now I shall begin to type in some of the things in the midst of my mind (like the alliteration?)

First, i'm loving sophomore year! last semester was really good, i made the dean's list, and this semester i'm striving for all A's, like I promised granny. but while i'm doing this, i'm also planning a wedding, trying to find a job, keeping practiced on the clarinet, functioning with first band, playing this addicting game my fiancee gave me called Morrowind, pledging Lady Knights, going to church, keeping prayed up, and maintaining a social life, all while breathing. amazing, huh? :P

The wedding plans are coming along okay. there's not much I can to until spring break when i finally start shopping for stuff, and weekend after next when I get mama marie to go with me to the consignment shop in camden to see if she can alter that dress for me. I promise I believe that its the perfect dress. the only problem is the top. it's too small and it needs sleeves of some sort for modest purposes, but other than that it's perfect. Aunt Tammie is buying my dress for me, Praise God, which takes a load off my shoulders. my refund is only gonna give me about 1200 to spend on the wedding, which is okay if Granny and Papa will pay for the food for the reception and the bridesmaids pay for their dresses, which they are cause they're making their own. This will work, in Jesus name!! :)

I'm really excited to be pledging Lady Knights too, i just found out tonight that i have been accepted as a pledge, which is awesome cause i've wanted to be a Lady Knight since I heard about them, i just never did cause I knew my church wouldn't accept it, now since recieving the boot, so to speak, i have a little more freedom to do what I want. They're part of the reason I didn't pledge last semester....that and it was a frat...which pertained to men...and i'd be wearing what pertained to a man (Deut. 22:5) so i'd be :P anyway. I'm stoked, just kinda unhappy that pledge activities are on wednesday nights, but they're the hour before church, so it's not so bad...just kinda frustrating cause we get through at seven, and i'm apparently going to get dirty at this activity, so i might be a little scruffy for church. hopefully Shane will have his truck finished getting fixed by then. I think he's gonna pledge Knights though.......if he decides to miss part of church, and if they'll let him go first. I don't know as much about Knights as I do Lady Knights, but i know that he doesn't really want to miss church for that. but yeah...i'm stoked!!!

lastly, the church situation has cleared a little. Suz is still out of church, enjoying her freedom. our friendship will never be what it was again, more than likely, but i'm glad we're still friends. i've gained a little freedom. her mother sent a "hello" with her last time i went down, which i think if she's gonna say hi then she should re-add me on Facebook after deleting me from her friends. but that's just me. i'll accept it, but i'm pretty sure i'm getting the same treatment as Mandy and Halana got when they left...only difference is, i didn't leave of my own free will, though they're probably making it out to be like that. ya know he didn't even show up when cassie's new baby was born? now if they had to work then I understand, but a pastor's job is to be with the people from his church, especially one as small as ours. I think it's kinda crappy if a pastor won't show up to a baby's birth because the parents have a friend there that he doesn't like....

anyway, God is still good, i had the money provided to me to be there at Krysten Nicole's birth on Monday, got to spend time with my girls, see some old friends, and spend time with Jesus. :) I don't think i'd ever trade what I have for anything in this world. God is just so much greater than everything else, bigger than all my problems, stronger than my deepest fears and greatest fights. I'm glad He chose me!

Empty Me

I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood.
And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.

I've had just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.

Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you, compared to you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you. So, I surrender all!

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Oh, filled with you.
Empty me



Jesus...I want to be empty of everything that is me. completley and totally void of anything that lets me exist. i'm tired of fighting me for control of me....i just want to be a vessel of God's and nothing else...yet my flesh keeps returning me to the same sin over and over and over again...i'm tired of fighting the same battle, knowing that as soon as i repent and get back up i'll wind up making the same mistake again next month....and this is gonna go on an on until that is sin no more........................................................if i can't fix it by then...then is it worth it? am I really doing what God wants me to do? really and truly? i've been so convinced so many times only to find that what I thought was what God wanted for me really wasn't...even now i'm not convinced i'm totally and completley in what God wants for me....so how do I find out?...i'm so sick of making the same mistake twice...so must I eliminate the cause or overcome it?

The In - Between

so, since getting the boot from home *being my home church* i'm what's referred to as "the in-between"

it's different....ever since i started church i've always had a home, and now suddenly i find myself expelled from the fire to the cold (so to speak). I went back to Smackover on Sunday, my first home, and rather enjoyed myself. It was foreign to me, like the needle feels when I give blood, strange sticking out of my arm, but so much a part of me at the moment. It felt like going back to the fire though.....and i need that fire. That fire's the only thing keeping my grounded at the moment.....but I planned my life somewhat around my home...knowing someday that I was going to have to leave, but never expected it to be this soon.....since Tuesday a week ago, i've been on the outside looking in as far as church is concerned....I know where I stand as far as the Lord is concerned, but what about the family I once claimed? As Bro. Williams put it, i've become the scapegoat so to speak, even though i was wrong, i get the blunt end of both sides of the act. welcome to life. I'm not sure if i'm a member here or not...i asked to be put on the list, but i don't know if i'm there or not. I'm going to be in Smackover again on sunday, and i'm sure the rumors have already been buzzing wildly about me going straight there, but I don't care. I'm not sowing discord, and i'm acting like everything's alright....it's not opposition to my pastor to go anymore because as was blatantly stated in my phone call "I am not your pastor."

It's just a rough time at the moment....so many things swirling around and so many opportunities within my grasp. I've already taken one that was within my reach...i'm not happy about the fact of missing a week's worth of services total for it, but I need the money. I don't know where this path Jesus has me on is going to lead....but I know that He'll be there by my side through thick and thin. I'll have Him, and a wonderful support group of friends and Saints who will pray for me (cause Lord knows I need it at the crossroads). I'll keep you updated and thanks for everything!

World Turned Over

my world as i knew it turned topsy turvy tonight. the life I knew back home doesn't exist anymore...and i know why. i didn't cause it, but i was a partaker in it of sorts, an accomplice so to speak...an innocent person who knew what she was doing and realized what the outcome could possibly be if she went through with it, and went through with it for the sake of another's supposed happiness....now our worlds are destroyed in the fashion we once knew them....i've seen another side to people i knew tonight.....i know so much to say, yet I remain silent for the sake of i know i won't be heard when my small voice rises above the tumult. my time was about up anyway and my work just about done. my love will remain the same for those who have nurtured me for so long, but my path now seems to lead me away to a new life of sorts. my mind is so restless tonight...my world has come to an abrupt end.........and now a new one forms.....Jesus, all I can ask is that You mold this one according to Your perfect plan and perfect will. take out what You want gone and put in what You'd rather me have. I trust You.....though you slay me....yet I will trust you...

Thoughts

Here I sit...meditating on the glory of the Lord.....I'm so torn and numb at this moment.....all I can do is cry for the God i'm unworthy of. I feel dark inside...and I need His light once more...spent a while in the arms of Christ...the love that covers sin...no greater love have I ever known...you consider me your friend..........I love Jesus....and I come to the point where my love for Jesus must outweigh my love for my fiancee.....yes, i am having problems with that, i'm human. the Holy Ghost doesn't make you invincible...but it gives you the power to fight. Things will work out, i know...i'm just standing on unsteady ground right now...