Hiya!!!

okay, i know, i know, i haven't posted anything in a loong while..i apologize profusely to start with, and now I shall begin to type in some of the things in the midst of my mind (like the alliteration?)

First, i'm loving sophomore year! last semester was really good, i made the dean's list, and this semester i'm striving for all A's, like I promised granny. but while i'm doing this, i'm also planning a wedding, trying to find a job, keeping practiced on the clarinet, functioning with first band, playing this addicting game my fiancee gave me called Morrowind, pledging Lady Knights, going to church, keeping prayed up, and maintaining a social life, all while breathing. amazing, huh? :P

The wedding plans are coming along okay. there's not much I can to until spring break when i finally start shopping for stuff, and weekend after next when I get mama marie to go with me to the consignment shop in camden to see if she can alter that dress for me. I promise I believe that its the perfect dress. the only problem is the top. it's too small and it needs sleeves of some sort for modest purposes, but other than that it's perfect. Aunt Tammie is buying my dress for me, Praise God, which takes a load off my shoulders. my refund is only gonna give me about 1200 to spend on the wedding, which is okay if Granny and Papa will pay for the food for the reception and the bridesmaids pay for their dresses, which they are cause they're making their own. This will work, in Jesus name!! :)

I'm really excited to be pledging Lady Knights too, i just found out tonight that i have been accepted as a pledge, which is awesome cause i've wanted to be a Lady Knight since I heard about them, i just never did cause I knew my church wouldn't accept it, now since recieving the boot, so to speak, i have a little more freedom to do what I want. They're part of the reason I didn't pledge last semester....that and it was a frat...which pertained to men...and i'd be wearing what pertained to a man (Deut. 22:5) so i'd be :P anyway. I'm stoked, just kinda unhappy that pledge activities are on wednesday nights, but they're the hour before church, so it's not so bad...just kinda frustrating cause we get through at seven, and i'm apparently going to get dirty at this activity, so i might be a little scruffy for church. hopefully Shane will have his truck finished getting fixed by then. I think he's gonna pledge Knights though.......if he decides to miss part of church, and if they'll let him go first. I don't know as much about Knights as I do Lady Knights, but i know that he doesn't really want to miss church for that. but yeah...i'm stoked!!!

lastly, the church situation has cleared a little. Suz is still out of church, enjoying her freedom. our friendship will never be what it was again, more than likely, but i'm glad we're still friends. i've gained a little freedom. her mother sent a "hello" with her last time i went down, which i think if she's gonna say hi then she should re-add me on Facebook after deleting me from her friends. but that's just me. i'll accept it, but i'm pretty sure i'm getting the same treatment as Mandy and Halana got when they left...only difference is, i didn't leave of my own free will, though they're probably making it out to be like that. ya know he didn't even show up when cassie's new baby was born? now if they had to work then I understand, but a pastor's job is to be with the people from his church, especially one as small as ours. I think it's kinda crappy if a pastor won't show up to a baby's birth because the parents have a friend there that he doesn't like....

anyway, God is still good, i had the money provided to me to be there at Krysten Nicole's birth on Monday, got to spend time with my girls, see some old friends, and spend time with Jesus. :) I don't think i'd ever trade what I have for anything in this world. God is just so much greater than everything else, bigger than all my problems, stronger than my deepest fears and greatest fights. I'm glad He chose me!

Empty Me

I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood.
And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.

I've had just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.

Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you, compared to you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you. So, I surrender all!

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Oh, filled with you.
Empty me



Jesus...I want to be empty of everything that is me. completley and totally void of anything that lets me exist. i'm tired of fighting me for control of me....i just want to be a vessel of God's and nothing else...yet my flesh keeps returning me to the same sin over and over and over again...i'm tired of fighting the same battle, knowing that as soon as i repent and get back up i'll wind up making the same mistake again next month....and this is gonna go on an on until that is sin no more........................................................if i can't fix it by then...then is it worth it? am I really doing what God wants me to do? really and truly? i've been so convinced so many times only to find that what I thought was what God wanted for me really wasn't...even now i'm not convinced i'm totally and completley in what God wants for me....so how do I find out?...i'm so sick of making the same mistake twice...so must I eliminate the cause or overcome it?

The In - Between

so, since getting the boot from home *being my home church* i'm what's referred to as "the in-between"

it's different....ever since i started church i've always had a home, and now suddenly i find myself expelled from the fire to the cold (so to speak). I went back to Smackover on Sunday, my first home, and rather enjoyed myself. It was foreign to me, like the needle feels when I give blood, strange sticking out of my arm, but so much a part of me at the moment. It felt like going back to the fire though.....and i need that fire. That fire's the only thing keeping my grounded at the moment.....but I planned my life somewhat around my home...knowing someday that I was going to have to leave, but never expected it to be this soon.....since Tuesday a week ago, i've been on the outside looking in as far as church is concerned....I know where I stand as far as the Lord is concerned, but what about the family I once claimed? As Bro. Williams put it, i've become the scapegoat so to speak, even though i was wrong, i get the blunt end of both sides of the act. welcome to life. I'm not sure if i'm a member here or not...i asked to be put on the list, but i don't know if i'm there or not. I'm going to be in Smackover again on sunday, and i'm sure the rumors have already been buzzing wildly about me going straight there, but I don't care. I'm not sowing discord, and i'm acting like everything's alright....it's not opposition to my pastor to go anymore because as was blatantly stated in my phone call "I am not your pastor."

It's just a rough time at the moment....so many things swirling around and so many opportunities within my grasp. I've already taken one that was within my reach...i'm not happy about the fact of missing a week's worth of services total for it, but I need the money. I don't know where this path Jesus has me on is going to lead....but I know that He'll be there by my side through thick and thin. I'll have Him, and a wonderful support group of friends and Saints who will pray for me (cause Lord knows I need it at the crossroads). I'll keep you updated and thanks for everything!

World Turned Over

my world as i knew it turned topsy turvy tonight. the life I knew back home doesn't exist anymore...and i know why. i didn't cause it, but i was a partaker in it of sorts, an accomplice so to speak...an innocent person who knew what she was doing and realized what the outcome could possibly be if she went through with it, and went through with it for the sake of another's supposed happiness....now our worlds are destroyed in the fashion we once knew them....i've seen another side to people i knew tonight.....i know so much to say, yet I remain silent for the sake of i know i won't be heard when my small voice rises above the tumult. my time was about up anyway and my work just about done. my love will remain the same for those who have nurtured me for so long, but my path now seems to lead me away to a new life of sorts. my mind is so restless tonight...my world has come to an abrupt end.........and now a new one forms.....Jesus, all I can ask is that You mold this one according to Your perfect plan and perfect will. take out what You want gone and put in what You'd rather me have. I trust You.....though you slay me....yet I will trust you...

Thoughts

Here I sit...meditating on the glory of the Lord.....I'm so torn and numb at this moment.....all I can do is cry for the God i'm unworthy of. I feel dark inside...and I need His light once more...spent a while in the arms of Christ...the love that covers sin...no greater love have I ever known...you consider me your friend..........I love Jesus....and I come to the point where my love for Jesus must outweigh my love for my fiancee.....yes, i am having problems with that, i'm human. the Holy Ghost doesn't make you invincible...but it gives you the power to fight. Things will work out, i know...i'm just standing on unsteady ground right now...

Tired of Thinking

The difference between toeing the line and crossing it.....the fine gray line in the fog dividing our lives......the line that could be crossed in an instant.
I once had my heart. I shared it with you.....I loved you with everything in it that I could.....then I had to tear my heart away from you because it wasn't supposed to be yours thas time...part of it stayed with you, and I held on to the broken shards for dear life....convinced that I could function with only part of me........then came another who promised to make it whole again....so i gave him control of what was left of me......what was left he all but destroyed in the mire and left for me to find again.....so i searched for every bit of eight months for the shattered fragments of the girl I once was....and finally convinced myself that these were all the pieces I had left. now i've found me again..and consequently....You have re-entered my life...bringing the rest of my heart...and those pieces of mine.....you shattered once more, but painlessly.....and used what you had of me and what else I had.....and re-made my heart and offered it back to me......i wanted you to keep it, it's yours....and it has always been so, despite my stubborn insistances of otherwise.
We destroyed what we had last time......and that past tried to arise once more to rear its ugly head, but we defeated it....won this battle....with the promise that this battle will never be fought again. I confide all of me with you.....everything that God allows me to give. I love you more than more than mostest of most than chicken loves waffles with mozerella sticks and dr pepper, more than juliet loved Romeo.......I just want you. I could care less about a ceremony...proper ettiquite....the white dress........the flowers......i'd give it all up if I knew it'd keep me from you. Help me to focus with you......so our eyes remain on just one thing........My Saviour, My God, My Jesus. you took the pieces of me and made them whole again, only because of the Lord.......I am yours...all He will allow, its yours. Take all of me as you give all of you............i want this.....i love you

Updates

okay, so i broke with tradition and didn't post in over a month!! sorry guys!! here's my updates

i'm passing all my classes, all A's except for education, which is a B. Found out last week that my private lesson teacher is gone this week taking lessons from Eddie Daniels.....yes, THE Eddie Daniels, aka the best clarinet player in the world, the top clarinetest, and most amazing saxophonist........and i'm getting the trickle down effect of this!! HOW TOTALLY AWESOME IS THAT! Thank You Jesus!!

Secondly, I'M ENGAGED. crazy, right? seems so, but to me this is just so wonderful. I love this man so much....God has put this back together. Everything seems wonderful, but I know the storms are well on their way. keep us in your prayers, we're gonna continue seeking His will until the very minute of "I Do"

God Bless You!