So....it has been 1 year, 9 months.....yeah, you know what i'm talking about....and i still fight back tears from time to time....i get fighting mad over it...i scream at them, though they'll never hear me.....and the whole thing still pisses me off. Now they pretend they were still right only to discover that i wasn't the source neither was i the instigator...i mean, i'm not the one on my fourth girlfriend, right?
i haven't been to church since easter. that's 16 weeks....17 later on today. I don't want to go back here.....it feels to me like trying to swallow corn syrup...thick, nasty flavored but sweet, and choking me. I don't even bother trying to explain why shane wants to be a recluse when it comes to church. Our families know what's going on...they don't agree, but they understand, which helps for them to know that we don't want to reject God..just this idiotic man-made standard of behavior that "saints" seem to deem acceptable. Only two people even bothered to say "i'm praying for you and i love you"...only TWO out of a church of 60-90. That hurts....that hurts bad. Unloved is NOT something you should EVER feel from a church, and two in a row is past my limit by at least six. It hurts not having a church family near that wants you for reasons other than numbers. Don't get me wrong though...we have a "family" here that we are proud to be a part of. Our Knights/Lady Knights family is amazing. They step up and fend for us when we can't, and we do the same. We love, we fight, we yell, we whisper, we're everything a family should be. (I also have my Sigma Sisters. They're just on my part though. Shane tends to avoid the girly stuff at all costs) They're incredible, but they're not a spiritual support. Kavan is the closest thing we have to a preacher, but i'm still afraid to open up to him and confess stuff like this when i can't even talk to my husband about this....Shane doesn't know that I still cry....about church, about my grandma, about the dreams i have sometimes...I know he hates to see me cry and he can't do anything to help me feel better other than hold me until the tears stop. I don't want to hurt in front of him because then he hurts. He shouldn't hurt because the Givens' were too stupid to see what was going on and so easily lay the blame on me. I tried a million times to forgive and forget....but then they pop up so causally. I'll dream about them, like i've been doing a lot here lately. My dreams are getting scary again...which means something is up. Sometimes dreams come true, and that scares me.
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ride or die sis! i got ur back no matter if im 600 miles away from u..... i know its hard love, believe me i know its hard to forgive and forget who u thought loved u. But u will not for them...but for urself. ur only hurting urself love. i know it sounds crazy but its true. all this crying and maybe losing sleep over...its not worth it hun. cause i guarantee that GOD is whopping them enough, he knows wat they did to u love and thats probably wat ur dreams are about. but don't give up, stay strong just like i know u are. trust me hunny they don't know u like i know u cause (sings) U GOT DA POWER!! lol i love u sis and call me next time u feel like this, i can maybe enlighten u.
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