What I Won't Blame You For

Hi,

Wow, it's been a while since we talked. :) I know you're not expecting to hear from me, and i'm not sure if this letter is welcome or not, but i'll write you nonetheless. Ya know, we used to be so close. I regarded you as my parents. Actually, there was a time when I held you in higher esteem than my own family. Guess that's the problem with pedestals. They never hold for long. Anyway, I'm getting these things off my chest. I've been carrying them a while now, milling over in my brain exactly to do with these things. I could blame you for everything. For the fall, for not seeing what was going on right under your nose, for not acting right yourself, for letting me fall through the cracks...i've wanted to put all the blame on you for so long, to prove that no wrongdoing was my own and was just a result of you pushing me away...but i can't. I won't. I will be blameless in this. I say blameless, and ironically, the only way I can be blameless in this story, is to accept the blame for my mistake. I was wrong for not telling you, yes, but i would have been wrong in telling you also. Lose lose for me, right? I'm sorry i let you down, but i can see clearly now that that was the best thing. I'd actually had the unction for several months that my time was up in that dear little country church, and the only way i would be able to let myself go was forceably. It's okay though, you didn't know what to do, and I forgive you, but I still want to tell you some of these repercussions....

I still have a hard time trusting people because of you. Ya know I'm afraid to trust my own pastor now? that's pretty bad when you're afraid to trust the man God has placed over you. I guess once bitten, twice shy, right? I am now terrified of losing those I hold near and dear, almost so to the point that i push them away, but only almost. You didn't cause that though. I won't credit that to your account. Ya know, i'm terrified of what would happen if I ran into you? I walk in constant worry that i'll see one or both of you in walmart or huddle house and i fear the exchange that would take place. I'm sure the conversation would consist of something to the effect of you ignoring anything ever happened, or trying to convince me to come home, but i'll go ahead and say that i wouldn't go back. My heart isn't there anymore. Yeah, i miss the girls...i miss them like crazy...i wish i could see them more often, but it's not worth the wrecked heart again. I'm also afraid of how Shane would handle it. It hurt him just as bad when i told him the news. No, not as bad, i don't think he could've hurt that bad at it...not as bad as i did, but it angered him. I'm glad God made provision for me, so i'd have some human arms to hold me while God held me too. I think i might've lost it. You know, i was actually sick that day i spoke to you last? That is the only time i've actually ever worried myself sick. we got to shane's mmom's house and I was running a high fever and was sick the whole way up. Amazing how one little thing has such an impact, huh?

Anyway, this is not a letter of blame. I just want this all of my chest, a clean slate, a fresh start, a beginning that does not involve you at all. I'm letting go of these feelings. I won't let this sad rage control my emotions anymore. You remember that time you prayed for me and the sorrow just washed over you like a flood and you were as broken as i was? it was just that strong this time. Ironically, when you looked at me from the pulpit and told me to brace myself, that things were coming my way intending on destroying me, i would never in my life had of imagined it would be you that would be that thing trying to destroy me.

However, it was nice talking to you again. I'm sorry this is our only talk, and our last talk. I'm free to move forward now, no chains, no bondage, only freedom in the Lord. God Bless you in all your endeavors.

Ashley