Cries of My Weeping Heart

Here I go again

lost another battle my friend

it was You who bled for me, died for me

it was even you who sat and cried for me

but what's your payment, what's your reward

again, yet again, I nail Your hand to the board.

I was never worthy, I couldn't even scream

but You, You claimed me among the redeemed

so here I am, fallen once more

paralyzed by fear, of rejection from the Door

Can You, will You, fix this mess?

I try, I cry, and more and more I'm oppressed

I know I fell back into this

this sin should I never miss

yet fall again, and fall again, into the mire I go

filthy are now these rags, that once were white as snow

I can't get up, not on my own

God, I beg You, don't leave me here alone!

Maybe its part of some eternal plan

but help me up Lord, use me if you can

Randomness at Night

I realized that it's been forever since I posted anything on here, so this is what's on my mind

Things have gotten better since last year's end-of-year drama. I still haven't seen or heard from what used to be my pastor, nor have they made any attempt to contact me, which hurts, but i know it's for the better. I'm actually kinda liking being out on my own. I'm still involved in church and everything, but I just feel like I have more freedom to breathe now. I have yet to decide if that's a good or bad thing, but I do know that I'm now able to step out and make my own decisions instead of living on everyone else's opinion. I'm pledging Lady Knights, and I honestly don't believe that they're secretly evil. Matter of fact, all I've seen of them thus far is good. They help, do service to the community, maintain honor, and actually are quite respected for that. The dean told me the other day (yes, the dean of my university) that Lady Knights is a good thing, and so is band. I had to get his signature for pledging. But now that I can breathe, I'm itching to run away for a weekend to Mississippi, which is less than an hour from here. My uncle lives in Jackson, and offered me a place to stay when I come down, and i'm planning to go in the next couple of weeks to go look at wedding stuff down there. I just want to see the Mississippi. I want to feel the freedom of crossing the river and soaring......i just want out of Arkansas for a little while!!!!!!

School is okay..i'm dropping my Needs of Diverse Learner's class.....i can't stand the teacher. This class is supposed to give a better idea and methods as to how to handle special needs children and children of other cultures, but my teacher constantly turns it into a black and white debate. Today, for instance, we were discussing how Brown vs. Board of Education opened the door for lawsuits that made special education programs available like they are today, and she went off for twenty minutes talking about how her school was segregated until the ninth grade and how she had to drink from the colored fountian....I understand how Brown vs. the Board of Education is related to this, but that is not what we were talking about! It's an every day thing in her class, the race discussion. Honestly, if I could get into the Education program without this class, i'd skip it altogether. I'm dropping it and taking Dr. Snow this summer or next fall. I've had it with that class! We haven't really even learned anything new. I learned that gifted and talented are part of the same group as special education, but that's about it. I wish i'dve dropped it sooner, so i could get my money back at least!

Wedding plans are running along swimmingly. now all that's really left is to plan out the ceremony and the scriptures and who is doing what and that's about it. Buy decorations, dress, flowers, cake and then actually get married. That's the extent to what we have finished. :) I'm so excited! Ironically though, the cheapest place i've found to stay in Hot Springs...is the KNIGHT'S inn. :P incredible, right? However, the bed and breakfast seems just a little bit better!