Hi,
Wow, it's been a while since we talked. :) I know you're not expecting to hear from me, and i'm not sure if this letter is welcome or not, but i'll write you nonetheless. Ya know, we used to be so close. I regarded you as my parents. Actually, there was a time when I held you in higher esteem than my own family. Guess that's the problem with pedestals. They never hold for long. Anyway, I'm getting these things off my chest. I've been carrying them a while now, milling over in my brain exactly to do with these things. I could blame you for everything. For the fall, for not seeing what was going on right under your nose, for not acting right yourself, for letting me fall through the cracks...i've wanted to put all the blame on you for so long, to prove that no wrongdoing was my own and was just a result of you pushing me away...but i can't. I won't. I will be blameless in this. I say blameless, and ironically, the only way I can be blameless in this story, is to accept the blame for my mistake. I was wrong for not telling you, yes, but i would have been wrong in telling you also. Lose lose for me, right? I'm sorry i let you down, but i can see clearly now that that was the best thing. I'd actually had the unction for several months that my time was up in that dear little country church, and the only way i would be able to let myself go was forceably. It's okay though, you didn't know what to do, and I forgive you, but I still want to tell you some of these repercussions....
I still have a hard time trusting people because of you. Ya know I'm afraid to trust my own pastor now? that's pretty bad when you're afraid to trust the man God has placed over you. I guess once bitten, twice shy, right? I am now terrified of losing those I hold near and dear, almost so to the point that i push them away, but only almost. You didn't cause that though. I won't credit that to your account. Ya know, i'm terrified of what would happen if I ran into you? I walk in constant worry that i'll see one or both of you in walmart or huddle house and i fear the exchange that would take place. I'm sure the conversation would consist of something to the effect of you ignoring anything ever happened, or trying to convince me to come home, but i'll go ahead and say that i wouldn't go back. My heart isn't there anymore. Yeah, i miss the girls...i miss them like crazy...i wish i could see them more often, but it's not worth the wrecked heart again. I'm also afraid of how Shane would handle it. It hurt him just as bad when i told him the news. No, not as bad, i don't think he could've hurt that bad at it...not as bad as i did, but it angered him. I'm glad God made provision for me, so i'd have some human arms to hold me while God held me too. I think i might've lost it. You know, i was actually sick that day i spoke to you last? That is the only time i've actually ever worried myself sick. we got to shane's mmom's house and I was running a high fever and was sick the whole way up. Amazing how one little thing has such an impact, huh?
Anyway, this is not a letter of blame. I just want this all of my chest, a clean slate, a fresh start, a beginning that does not involve you at all. I'm letting go of these feelings. I won't let this sad rage control my emotions anymore. You remember that time you prayed for me and the sorrow just washed over you like a flood and you were as broken as i was? it was just that strong this time. Ironically, when you looked at me from the pulpit and told me to brace myself, that things were coming my way intending on destroying me, i would never in my life had of imagined it would be you that would be that thing trying to destroy me.
However, it was nice talking to you again. I'm sorry this is our only talk, and our last talk. I'm free to move forward now, no chains, no bondage, only freedom in the Lord. God Bless you in all your endeavors.
Ashley
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Back To My Roots
I've had enough! I'm going back to what Apostolic is supposed to be. Not this twisted, perverted view that I've slipped into, but that Fire that burned me up when it first got hold of me! I caught a whiff of that old feeling tonight here at work, and I want that again. I'll give up anything and everything to get it again. This I know, I'm gonna have to fight to get back there. I've been pushed around for too long and I refuse to allow this to happen any longer! This is my declaration, my battle cry, my call to arms. Devil, I'm declaring war on you this minute, and I will not rest until the Victory is won!!!!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Thinks of One Thinking
So i'm here in my dorm, 3:36AM Tuesday morning, and i'm not really doing anything but thinking and praying and sipping on a Dr. Pepper. I have no desire to sleep right now, though it's probably the second best thing on my list that I need to be doing right now, but i'm sitting here evaluating...well...my humanness. Ya know I absolutley hate being human sometimes....making mistakes..old enough to know better and too young to care..stupid choices that seemed okay at the time..the usual. I hate the aspect of humanness where I continually trip and fall over, and moreso the part where I fling myself to the ground only to look back up at where I was and think "what in the world was I thinking." I get tired of the same old mess up and repent actions, but that repentance is what's keeping me going. I know this is just a really rough spot, but i'm getting wore out. I know the beauty of being human is that we have something that the angels desire to look into. We've been given the promise of redemption, salvation, and an advocate with the Father when we have those moments where we fling ourselves to the ground. Well reader, this isn't meant as complaints, though i'm sure it's coming across as that, and I guess subconciously i'm complaining to you about myself, but all i'm asking is that next time you get at the throne and have a chat with Jesus, please remember me and mention me. He knows what's going on and He knows how to fix it. I just need a little support spiritually while i'm down here searching for the Lilly in this Valley. Pray for me, and i'll have you in my prayers too.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Cries of My Weeping Heart
Here I go again
lost another battle my friend
it was You who bled for me, died for me
it was even you who sat and cried for me
but what's your payment, what's your reward
again, yet again, I nail Your hand to the board.
I was never worthy, I couldn't even scream
but You, You claimed me among the redeemed
so here I am, fallen once more
paralyzed by fear, of rejection from the Door
Can You, will You, fix this mess?
I try, I cry, and more and more I'm oppressed
I know I fell back into this
this sin should I never miss
yet fall again, and fall again, into the mire I go
filthy are now these rags, that once were white as snow
I can't get up, not on my own
God, I beg You, don't leave me here alone!
Maybe its part of some eternal plan
but help me up Lord, use me if you can
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Randomness at Night
I realized that it's been forever since I posted anything on here, so this is what's on my mind
Things have gotten better since last year's end-of-year drama. I still haven't seen or heard from what used to be my pastor, nor have they made any attempt to contact me, which hurts, but i know it's for the better. I'm actually kinda liking being out on my own. I'm still involved in church and everything, but I just feel like I have more freedom to breathe now. I have yet to decide if that's a good or bad thing, but I do know that I'm now able to step out and make my own decisions instead of living on everyone else's opinion. I'm pledging Lady Knights, and I honestly don't believe that they're secretly evil. Matter of fact, all I've seen of them thus far is good. They help, do service to the community, maintain honor, and actually are quite respected for that. The dean told me the other day (yes, the dean of my university) that Lady Knights is a good thing, and so is band. I had to get his signature for pledging. But now that I can breathe, I'm itching to run away for a weekend to Mississippi, which is less than an hour from here. My uncle lives in Jackson, and offered me a place to stay when I come down, and i'm planning to go in the next couple of weeks to go look at wedding stuff down there. I just want to see the Mississippi. I want to feel the freedom of crossing the river and soaring......i just want out of Arkansas for a little while!!!!!!
School is okay..i'm dropping my Needs of Diverse Learner's class.....i can't stand the teacher. This class is supposed to give a better idea and methods as to how to handle special needs children and children of other cultures, but my teacher constantly turns it into a black and white debate. Today, for instance, we were discussing how Brown vs. Board of Education opened the door for lawsuits that made special education programs available like they are today, and she went off for twenty minutes talking about how her school was segregated until the ninth grade and how she had to drink from the colored fountian....I understand how Brown vs. the Board of Education is related to this, but that is not what we were talking about! It's an every day thing in her class, the race discussion. Honestly, if I could get into the Education program without this class, i'd skip it altogether. I'm dropping it and taking Dr. Snow this summer or next fall. I've had it with that class! We haven't really even learned anything new. I learned that gifted and talented are part of the same group as special education, but that's about it. I wish i'dve dropped it sooner, so i could get my money back at least!
Wedding plans are running along swimmingly. now all that's really left is to plan out the ceremony and the scriptures and who is doing what and that's about it. Buy decorations, dress, flowers, cake and then actually get married. That's the extent to what we have finished. :) I'm so excited! Ironically though, the cheapest place i've found to stay in Hot Springs...is the KNIGHT'S inn. :P incredible, right? However, the bed and breakfast seems just a little bit better!
Things have gotten better since last year's end-of-year drama. I still haven't seen or heard from what used to be my pastor, nor have they made any attempt to contact me, which hurts, but i know it's for the better. I'm actually kinda liking being out on my own. I'm still involved in church and everything, but I just feel like I have more freedom to breathe now. I have yet to decide if that's a good or bad thing, but I do know that I'm now able to step out and make my own decisions instead of living on everyone else's opinion. I'm pledging Lady Knights, and I honestly don't believe that they're secretly evil. Matter of fact, all I've seen of them thus far is good. They help, do service to the community, maintain honor, and actually are quite respected for that. The dean told me the other day (yes, the dean of my university) that Lady Knights is a good thing, and so is band. I had to get his signature for pledging. But now that I can breathe, I'm itching to run away for a weekend to Mississippi, which is less than an hour from here. My uncle lives in Jackson, and offered me a place to stay when I come down, and i'm planning to go in the next couple of weeks to go look at wedding stuff down there. I just want to see the Mississippi. I want to feel the freedom of crossing the river and soaring......i just want out of Arkansas for a little while!!!!!!
School is okay..i'm dropping my Needs of Diverse Learner's class.....i can't stand the teacher. This class is supposed to give a better idea and methods as to how to handle special needs children and children of other cultures, but my teacher constantly turns it into a black and white debate. Today, for instance, we were discussing how Brown vs. Board of Education opened the door for lawsuits that made special education programs available like they are today, and she went off for twenty minutes talking about how her school was segregated until the ninth grade and how she had to drink from the colored fountian....I understand how Brown vs. the Board of Education is related to this, but that is not what we were talking about! It's an every day thing in her class, the race discussion. Honestly, if I could get into the Education program without this class, i'd skip it altogether. I'm dropping it and taking Dr. Snow this summer or next fall. I've had it with that class! We haven't really even learned anything new. I learned that gifted and talented are part of the same group as special education, but that's about it. I wish i'dve dropped it sooner, so i could get my money back at least!
Wedding plans are running along swimmingly. now all that's really left is to plan out the ceremony and the scriptures and who is doing what and that's about it. Buy decorations, dress, flowers, cake and then actually get married. That's the extent to what we have finished. :) I'm so excited! Ironically though, the cheapest place i've found to stay in Hot Springs...is the KNIGHT'S inn. :P incredible, right? However, the bed and breakfast seems just a little bit better!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Hiya!!!
okay, i know, i know, i haven't posted anything in a loong while..i apologize profusely to start with, and now I shall begin to type in some of the things in the midst of my mind (like the alliteration?)
First, i'm loving sophomore year! last semester was really good, i made the dean's list, and this semester i'm striving for all A's, like I promised granny. but while i'm doing this, i'm also planning a wedding, trying to find a job, keeping practiced on the clarinet, functioning with first band, playing this addicting game my fiancee gave me called Morrowind, pledging Lady Knights, going to church, keeping prayed up, and maintaining a social life, all while breathing. amazing, huh? :P
The wedding plans are coming along okay. there's not much I can to until spring break when i finally start shopping for stuff, and weekend after next when I get mama marie to go with me to the consignment shop in camden to see if she can alter that dress for me. I promise I believe that its the perfect dress. the only problem is the top. it's too small and it needs sleeves of some sort for modest purposes, but other than that it's perfect. Aunt Tammie is buying my dress for me, Praise God, which takes a load off my shoulders. my refund is only gonna give me about 1200 to spend on the wedding, which is okay if Granny and Papa will pay for the food for the reception and the bridesmaids pay for their dresses, which they are cause they're making their own. This will work, in Jesus name!! :)
I'm really excited to be pledging Lady Knights too, i just found out tonight that i have been accepted as a pledge, which is awesome cause i've wanted to be a Lady Knight since I heard about them, i just never did cause I knew my church wouldn't accept it, now since recieving the boot, so to speak, i have a little more freedom to do what I want. They're part of the reason I didn't pledge last semester....that and it was a frat...which pertained to men...and i'd be wearing what pertained to a man (Deut. 22:5) so i'd be :P anyway. I'm stoked, just kinda unhappy that pledge activities are on wednesday nights, but they're the hour before church, so it's not so bad...just kinda frustrating cause we get through at seven, and i'm apparently going to get dirty at this activity, so i might be a little scruffy for church. hopefully Shane will have his truck finished getting fixed by then. I think he's gonna pledge Knights though.......if he decides to miss part of church, and if they'll let him go first. I don't know as much about Knights as I do Lady Knights, but i know that he doesn't really want to miss church for that. but yeah...i'm stoked!!!
lastly, the church situation has cleared a little. Suz is still out of church, enjoying her freedom. our friendship will never be what it was again, more than likely, but i'm glad we're still friends. i've gained a little freedom. her mother sent a "hello" with her last time i went down, which i think if she's gonna say hi then she should re-add me on Facebook after deleting me from her friends. but that's just me. i'll accept it, but i'm pretty sure i'm getting the same treatment as Mandy and Halana got when they left...only difference is, i didn't leave of my own free will, though they're probably making it out to be like that. ya know he didn't even show up when cassie's new baby was born? now if they had to work then I understand, but a pastor's job is to be with the people from his church, especially one as small as ours. I think it's kinda crappy if a pastor won't show up to a baby's birth because the parents have a friend there that he doesn't like....
anyway, God is still good, i had the money provided to me to be there at Krysten Nicole's birth on Monday, got to spend time with my girls, see some old friends, and spend time with Jesus. :) I don't think i'd ever trade what I have for anything in this world. God is just so much greater than everything else, bigger than all my problems, stronger than my deepest fears and greatest fights. I'm glad He chose me!
First, i'm loving sophomore year! last semester was really good, i made the dean's list, and this semester i'm striving for all A's, like I promised granny. but while i'm doing this, i'm also planning a wedding, trying to find a job, keeping practiced on the clarinet, functioning with first band, playing this addicting game my fiancee gave me called Morrowind, pledging Lady Knights, going to church, keeping prayed up, and maintaining a social life, all while breathing. amazing, huh? :P
The wedding plans are coming along okay. there's not much I can to until spring break when i finally start shopping for stuff, and weekend after next when I get mama marie to go with me to the consignment shop in camden to see if she can alter that dress for me. I promise I believe that its the perfect dress. the only problem is the top. it's too small and it needs sleeves of some sort for modest purposes, but other than that it's perfect. Aunt Tammie is buying my dress for me, Praise God, which takes a load off my shoulders. my refund is only gonna give me about 1200 to spend on the wedding, which is okay if Granny and Papa will pay for the food for the reception and the bridesmaids pay for their dresses, which they are cause they're making their own. This will work, in Jesus name!! :)
I'm really excited to be pledging Lady Knights too, i just found out tonight that i have been accepted as a pledge, which is awesome cause i've wanted to be a Lady Knight since I heard about them, i just never did cause I knew my church wouldn't accept it, now since recieving the boot, so to speak, i have a little more freedom to do what I want. They're part of the reason I didn't pledge last semester....that and it was a frat...which pertained to men...and i'd be wearing what pertained to a man (Deut. 22:5) so i'd be :P anyway. I'm stoked, just kinda unhappy that pledge activities are on wednesday nights, but they're the hour before church, so it's not so bad...just kinda frustrating cause we get through at seven, and i'm apparently going to get dirty at this activity, so i might be a little scruffy for church. hopefully Shane will have his truck finished getting fixed by then. I think he's gonna pledge Knights though.......if he decides to miss part of church, and if they'll let him go first. I don't know as much about Knights as I do Lady Knights, but i know that he doesn't really want to miss church for that. but yeah...i'm stoked!!!
lastly, the church situation has cleared a little. Suz is still out of church, enjoying her freedom. our friendship will never be what it was again, more than likely, but i'm glad we're still friends. i've gained a little freedom. her mother sent a "hello" with her last time i went down, which i think if she's gonna say hi then she should re-add me on Facebook after deleting me from her friends. but that's just me. i'll accept it, but i'm pretty sure i'm getting the same treatment as Mandy and Halana got when they left...only difference is, i didn't leave of my own free will, though they're probably making it out to be like that. ya know he didn't even show up when cassie's new baby was born? now if they had to work then I understand, but a pastor's job is to be with the people from his church, especially one as small as ours. I think it's kinda crappy if a pastor won't show up to a baby's birth because the parents have a friend there that he doesn't like....
anyway, God is still good, i had the money provided to me to be there at Krysten Nicole's birth on Monday, got to spend time with my girls, see some old friends, and spend time with Jesus. :) I don't think i'd ever trade what I have for anything in this world. God is just so much greater than everything else, bigger than all my problems, stronger than my deepest fears and greatest fights. I'm glad He chose me!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Empty Me
I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood.
And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
I've had just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you, compared to you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you. So, I surrender all!
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Oh, filled with you.
Empty me
Jesus...I want to be empty of everything that is me. completley and totally void of anything that lets me exist. i'm tired of fighting me for control of me....i just want to be a vessel of God's and nothing else...yet my flesh keeps returning me to the same sin over and over and over again...i'm tired of fighting the same battle, knowing that as soon as i repent and get back up i'll wind up making the same mistake again next month....and this is gonna go on an on until that is sin no more........................................................if i can't fix it by then...then is it worth it? am I really doing what God wants me to do? really and truly? i've been so convinced so many times only to find that what I thought was what God wanted for me really wasn't...even now i'm not convinced i'm totally and completley in what God wants for me....so how do I find out?...i'm so sick of making the same mistake twice...so must I eliminate the cause or overcome it?
To see how it gets in the blood.
And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
I've had just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you, compared to you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you. So, I surrender all!
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Oh, filled with you.
Empty me
Jesus...I want to be empty of everything that is me. completley and totally void of anything that lets me exist. i'm tired of fighting me for control of me....i just want to be a vessel of God's and nothing else...yet my flesh keeps returning me to the same sin over and over and over again...i'm tired of fighting the same battle, knowing that as soon as i repent and get back up i'll wind up making the same mistake again next month....and this is gonna go on an on until that is sin no more........................................................if i can't fix it by then...then is it worth it? am I really doing what God wants me to do? really and truly? i've been so convinced so many times only to find that what I thought was what God wanted for me really wasn't...even now i'm not convinced i'm totally and completley in what God wants for me....so how do I find out?...i'm so sick of making the same mistake twice...so must I eliminate the cause or overcome it?
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