So....it has been 1 year, 9 months.....yeah, you know what i'm talking about....and i still fight back tears from time to time....i get fighting mad over it...i scream at them, though they'll never hear me.....and the whole thing still pisses me off. Now they pretend they were still right only to discover that i wasn't the source neither was i the instigator...i mean, i'm not the one on my fourth girlfriend, right?
i haven't been to church since easter. that's 16 weeks....17 later on today. I don't want to go back here.....it feels to me like trying to swallow corn syrup...thick, nasty flavored but sweet, and choking me. I don't even bother trying to explain why shane wants to be a recluse when it comes to church. Our families know what's going on...they don't agree, but they understand, which helps for them to know that we don't want to reject God..just this idiotic man-made standard of behavior that "saints" seem to deem acceptable. Only two people even bothered to say "i'm praying for you and i love you"...only TWO out of a church of 60-90. That hurts....that hurts bad. Unloved is NOT something you should EVER feel from a church, and two in a row is past my limit by at least six. It hurts not having a church family near that wants you for reasons other than numbers. Don't get me wrong though...we have a "family" here that we are proud to be a part of. Our Knights/Lady Knights family is amazing. They step up and fend for us when we can't, and we do the same. We love, we fight, we yell, we whisper, we're everything a family should be. (I also have my Sigma Sisters. They're just on my part though. Shane tends to avoid the girly stuff at all costs) They're incredible, but they're not a spiritual support. Kavan is the closest thing we have to a preacher, but i'm still afraid to open up to him and confess stuff like this when i can't even talk to my husband about this....Shane doesn't know that I still cry....about church, about my grandma, about the dreams i have sometimes...I know he hates to see me cry and he can't do anything to help me feel better other than hold me until the tears stop. I don't want to hurt in front of him because then he hurts. He shouldn't hurt because the Givens' were too stupid to see what was going on and so easily lay the blame on me. I tried a million times to forgive and forget....but then they pop up so causally. I'll dream about them, like i've been doing a lot here lately. My dreams are getting scary again...which means something is up. Sometimes dreams come true, and that scares me.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Inspired!
so, after hours of browsing blogger, i'm inspired to post! ^_^
I'm finished worrying about this church mess...if i'm going to move on and find myself the rebirth i want, i'm leaving this behind and moving forward. God forgive me when i explain to carolyn exactly why i've had enough, and i hope she understands that i'm thankful for everything she's done for me......but its gotten to the point where i'm afraid to do anything for her because she's going to hold it over my head. i guess i just have to step out and decide what's best for me. and ultimatley, i think that WILL be best for me.
anyways, i'm off here, tonight is the first night since Christmas that Shane and i have been home together...we've been working since then! so, i'm off to enjoy the evening with my husband. night guys!
I'm finished worrying about this church mess...if i'm going to move on and find myself the rebirth i want, i'm leaving this behind and moving forward. God forgive me when i explain to carolyn exactly why i've had enough, and i hope she understands that i'm thankful for everything she's done for me......but its gotten to the point where i'm afraid to do anything for her because she's going to hold it over my head. i guess i just have to step out and decide what's best for me. and ultimatley, i think that WILL be best for me.
anyways, i'm off here, tonight is the first night since Christmas that Shane and i have been home together...we've been working since then! so, i'm off to enjoy the evening with my husband. night guys!
Does Anyone Ever Even Read This?
so, it's three am, i have class tomorrow which i'm not going to, a lesson at one that im going to have to wait and see how my throat feels, and band, which applies to the same principle. I'm taking the national leadership advisor for Tri Sigma to lunch tomorrow since she's in town and nobody else is free, and i myself am questioning exactly why i'm up this late, but there are more pressing matters at hand.
i've backslid a bit.......i know i have. backslid means to be fallen from a former point, to have regressed from the best you've been, to not do as well as you once were, to cease doing that which is good for you. We (my husband and I) have both stopped going to church here in monticello...why, you ask? see my earlier posts for a full explanation, please. It's become nearly unbearable to maintain a pleasant composure when being interrogated and "one-upped" by the church body when i attend. Yes, i know my husband hasn't been to church since last semester, i'm very much well aware of this fact, but before you go pegging him to be a backslid hypocrite bent on nothing but destroying my walk with God, please, stop and listen to the whole story first. I tell him everything that goes on, in anything, even church. The only thing I have neglected to speak with my husband about is my sorority initation ritual, out of respect for my fellow sisters, and there's an understood bond between us on this subject that if something was out of order, he would know. He knows the things you say about him to my face, and we know what you've been saying to others when we're not there. Everything was fine here until church became an obstacle course to try and escape the constant questions. Shane dislikes this church because 1. when he worships, he's one of only a few. Do you have any idea how disheartening it is to go somewhere, worship your heart out, and then have someone tell you what an inspiration it is to watch you? truly, this sounds like something all humans want to hear, but not when your goal is to have at least a majority worshipping with you. You feel all alone when people make comments like that.... 2. when he DOES show up, all he hears about is how long its been since the last time he was there. the "we missed you's" and the "i was worried's" would be much better if they were genuine and not "i'm asking this so you can't claim I don't care" That was a problem for me even before shane got here.... then, after two months of no church at all, i finally agree with carolyn to come back on sunday morning, and what am I confronted with as soon as church is over? "where is your husband? why isn't he here? he should quit that job if he can't be here! tell the people you meet with that they should reschedule everything around you so you can be here...they'd do it if you were a muslim!" ....there is no "hi, i missed you so much" there's just *BOOM* interrogation. I come home and tell shane how it was, and i'm honest.....if the tables were turned...i wouldn't want to come back either.... then, there's the issue that happened with a friend of ours who was coming to church here...
she's starting to "experiment" with the world. no, this is not good, yes, she knows better. is me griping at her and immediatley passing judgement going to get anywhere? no, it will not. then, a woman from church that works on campus finds out that this friend of mine has begun to wear blue jeans when hanging with her friends....she then tracks my friend across campus to find her in the parking lot of one of the dorms with her friends, and starts chastizing her right there in front of them. she tells her things like "you're a dissapointment to this campus" and "a disgrace for doing this" and that she needs to get right and be at church tomorrow. is the friend in pants wrong for what she's wearing? by the Apostolic and biblical standard (Deut. 22:5) yes. Is the saint wrong for hunting her down and bashing here like that, yes, she is too. matter of fact, they're both wrong because sin is sin...its equal in the sight of God, now true, one doing an abominable act and one just doing your run of the mill judging isn't equal in our eyes, but sin is still sin. it's still a stain on your white garment on judgement day. But that's not what i'm getting at here. my point here is, why in the world would i want to start going back to church somewhere where the people talk bad about you behind your back, pass judgement oh so quickly, nonchalantly sit through church, thinking that they're just fine because "i've been here for years, surely God knows my name by now"......do you see why im so frustrated, reader? I know i'm not right myself....i haven't been to church to worship in ages...i haven't studied my bible in longer....when i get the nightly prayer requests on facebook, i open them up, ask God to hear the prayers of Team ministry, generalize the requests but still list people by name, and close it out. I'm not right, i know....but i'm certianly not admitting that to the saints here....
have you ever considered that the backslider stays out of church...not because they're afraid of God's judgement, but because they're afraid of His people's judgement?
i've backslid a bit.......i know i have. backslid means to be fallen from a former point, to have regressed from the best you've been, to not do as well as you once were, to cease doing that which is good for you. We (my husband and I) have both stopped going to church here in monticello...why, you ask? see my earlier posts for a full explanation, please. It's become nearly unbearable to maintain a pleasant composure when being interrogated and "one-upped" by the church body when i attend. Yes, i know my husband hasn't been to church since last semester, i'm very much well aware of this fact, but before you go pegging him to be a backslid hypocrite bent on nothing but destroying my walk with God, please, stop and listen to the whole story first. I tell him everything that goes on, in anything, even church. The only thing I have neglected to speak with my husband about is my sorority initation ritual, out of respect for my fellow sisters, and there's an understood bond between us on this subject that if something was out of order, he would know. He knows the things you say about him to my face, and we know what you've been saying to others when we're not there. Everything was fine here until church became an obstacle course to try and escape the constant questions. Shane dislikes this church because 1. when he worships, he's one of only a few. Do you have any idea how disheartening it is to go somewhere, worship your heart out, and then have someone tell you what an inspiration it is to watch you? truly, this sounds like something all humans want to hear, but not when your goal is to have at least a majority worshipping with you. You feel all alone when people make comments like that.... 2. when he DOES show up, all he hears about is how long its been since the last time he was there. the "we missed you's" and the "i was worried's" would be much better if they were genuine and not "i'm asking this so you can't claim I don't care" That was a problem for me even before shane got here.... then, after two months of no church at all, i finally agree with carolyn to come back on sunday morning, and what am I confronted with as soon as church is over? "where is your husband? why isn't he here? he should quit that job if he can't be here! tell the people you meet with that they should reschedule everything around you so you can be here...they'd do it if you were a muslim!" ....there is no "hi, i missed you so much" there's just *BOOM* interrogation. I come home and tell shane how it was, and i'm honest.....if the tables were turned...i wouldn't want to come back either.... then, there's the issue that happened with a friend of ours who was coming to church here...
she's starting to "experiment" with the world. no, this is not good, yes, she knows better. is me griping at her and immediatley passing judgement going to get anywhere? no, it will not. then, a woman from church that works on campus finds out that this friend of mine has begun to wear blue jeans when hanging with her friends....she then tracks my friend across campus to find her in the parking lot of one of the dorms with her friends, and starts chastizing her right there in front of them. she tells her things like "you're a dissapointment to this campus" and "a disgrace for doing this" and that she needs to get right and be at church tomorrow. is the friend in pants wrong for what she's wearing? by the Apostolic and biblical standard (Deut. 22:5) yes. Is the saint wrong for hunting her down and bashing here like that, yes, she is too. matter of fact, they're both wrong because sin is sin...its equal in the sight of God, now true, one doing an abominable act and one just doing your run of the mill judging isn't equal in our eyes, but sin is still sin. it's still a stain on your white garment on judgement day. But that's not what i'm getting at here. my point here is, why in the world would i want to start going back to church somewhere where the people talk bad about you behind your back, pass judgement oh so quickly, nonchalantly sit through church, thinking that they're just fine because "i've been here for years, surely God knows my name by now"......do you see why im so frustrated, reader? I know i'm not right myself....i haven't been to church to worship in ages...i haven't studied my bible in longer....when i get the nightly prayer requests on facebook, i open them up, ask God to hear the prayers of Team ministry, generalize the requests but still list people by name, and close it out. I'm not right, i know....but i'm certianly not admitting that to the saints here....
have you ever considered that the backslider stays out of church...not because they're afraid of God's judgement, but because they're afraid of His people's judgement?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I Just Don't Wanna
I just don't wanna do band anymore. I don't want to deal with push-ups, block warmup, extra practices, rehearsal, no free weekends, or tons of music to learn.
I just don't wanna get up for classes anymore. I don't wanna wake up early for a class i'll never use or care for. I don't wanna get up knowing i'll have no idea what we're doing today or what the interval she's playing is. I don't wanna run into Carolyn and listen to her tell me how much everyone misses me, knowing that this is what is said to my face and knowing what is said when i'm not around.
I don't wanna go to this church anymore. I'm tired of everyone assuming i'm backslid because I haven't been there. I don't wanna be there to listen to the offhand comments about my husband. I don't wanna hear their half-baked opinion that he's the one that pulled me out of church and that he too is in dire need of some saving. I don't wanna face the "where have you been" questions, don't wanna hear how worried you've been. How can you possibly be worried when you talk trash about me when i'm not there? Please, somebody show me how this is possible. I haven't quit God. I haven't quit pressing onward and upward. I've come too far to turn back now, and I don't need your crap, i have enough to deal with.
I don't wanna get hurt anymore. Its been a year now since the rug got ripped out from under me, and i'm half-glad I saw the hole in the floor before they put this one down...because that's probably what would happen again. I'm tired of people thinking i'm stuck up, tired of people assuming i think i'm better than they are, tired of people making rude comments when they think I can't hear. I don't wanna put my trust into someone else and watch it get ripped away again.
I don't wanna think that everything i've done thus far amounts to nothing in the end. I don't wanna believe that Japanese class will eventually amount to nothing, don't wanna think that the music i worked so hard to learn will be forgotten next season, don't wanna believe that my marraige amounts to nothing more than a branch on the family tree to everyone else.
I don't wanna fight anymore. I'm tired of choking back tears all the time. I'm tired of bawling my eyes out like a baby every time we go to Meme's grave. I'm tired of the family constantly fighting, tired of Mom getting her heart broken time and time again, tired of her rushing in and setting herself up for heartbreak. I don't wanna defend one, just to have them prove the opposing opinion right time and time again.
I don't wanna...........I just don't wanna....
I just don't wanna get up for classes anymore. I don't wanna wake up early for a class i'll never use or care for. I don't wanna get up knowing i'll have no idea what we're doing today or what the interval she's playing is. I don't wanna run into Carolyn and listen to her tell me how much everyone misses me, knowing that this is what is said to my face and knowing what is said when i'm not around.
I don't wanna go to this church anymore. I'm tired of everyone assuming i'm backslid because I haven't been there. I don't wanna be there to listen to the offhand comments about my husband. I don't wanna hear their half-baked opinion that he's the one that pulled me out of church and that he too is in dire need of some saving. I don't wanna face the "where have you been" questions, don't wanna hear how worried you've been. How can you possibly be worried when you talk trash about me when i'm not there? Please, somebody show me how this is possible. I haven't quit God. I haven't quit pressing onward and upward. I've come too far to turn back now, and I don't need your crap, i have enough to deal with.
I don't wanna get hurt anymore. Its been a year now since the rug got ripped out from under me, and i'm half-glad I saw the hole in the floor before they put this one down...because that's probably what would happen again. I'm tired of people thinking i'm stuck up, tired of people assuming i think i'm better than they are, tired of people making rude comments when they think I can't hear. I don't wanna put my trust into someone else and watch it get ripped away again.
I don't wanna think that everything i've done thus far amounts to nothing in the end. I don't wanna believe that Japanese class will eventually amount to nothing, don't wanna think that the music i worked so hard to learn will be forgotten next season, don't wanna believe that my marraige amounts to nothing more than a branch on the family tree to everyone else.
I don't wanna fight anymore. I'm tired of choking back tears all the time. I'm tired of bawling my eyes out like a baby every time we go to Meme's grave. I'm tired of the family constantly fighting, tired of Mom getting her heart broken time and time again, tired of her rushing in and setting herself up for heartbreak. I don't wanna defend one, just to have them prove the opposing opinion right time and time again.
I don't wanna...........I just don't wanna....
Sunday, November 22, 2009
At the Hotel...Yet again!
Soo, in the two months that I haven't posted this is what all has aspired!
I have decided that I detest marching band and have seriously rethought my major after taking Japanese and both excelling and enjoying it. However, i love music too much to abandon it like that, and a Modern Languages major would have to spend three semesters in a spanish-speaking country in order to achieve a bachelor's degree. The main two languages offered are French and Spanish..so its not worth it. possible career option: Japanese 3 and 4 are offered as independent studies and then there is the Japanese Language Proficiency test that gives you a certificate stating that you are certified to speak and read Japanese. I'm looking at finishing with my bachelors in music and my masters in education (prayerfully doing this through another education school...i DETEST UAM school of education...) and if that doesn't work out, find a job somewhere as a translator. :D
Married life is going wonderfully. This weekend was the longest time we've spent apart since the wedding and lemme tell you, when i got home tonight, i hit the door running and shane was running too. :D it was a big fleshy bellyflop when we met, but it was worth it. I missed that man like crazy. :D I thank God for blessing me with him.
Okay, so an update on school groups and stuff. As of Nov 15th, I am officially a Sigma Sigma Sigma. No, I dont party. No, I don't drink. No, I'm not smoking or doing drugs. I looked into this carefully before deciding to pursue this. all official sorority business, like mixers and socials, are to be completley non-alcohol related and usually involve us standing around laughing with the other group. After the "official" event is over, I leave because it is no longer sorority business. The pledging process was nice, there was no hazing involved, just encouragement, strangely enough! :D the group went out of their way to make us feel special and loved and to let us know we were beautiful, amazing, and strong women. This group of girls makes me proud to call them sisters. :D
Well, i think that's about it. I'm about to get off here and go snuggle on the couch in the lobby and finish my book. :D God Bless you and keep both my husband and I in your prayers. Happy Thanksgiving!
*I am thankful for ALL God has done for me and in me. :D*
I have decided that I detest marching band and have seriously rethought my major after taking Japanese and both excelling and enjoying it. However, i love music too much to abandon it like that, and a Modern Languages major would have to spend three semesters in a spanish-speaking country in order to achieve a bachelor's degree. The main two languages offered are French and Spanish..so its not worth it. possible career option: Japanese 3 and 4 are offered as independent studies and then there is the Japanese Language Proficiency test that gives you a certificate stating that you are certified to speak and read Japanese. I'm looking at finishing with my bachelors in music and my masters in education (prayerfully doing this through another education school...i DETEST UAM school of education...) and if that doesn't work out, find a job somewhere as a translator. :D
Married life is going wonderfully. This weekend was the longest time we've spent apart since the wedding and lemme tell you, when i got home tonight, i hit the door running and shane was running too. :D it was a big fleshy bellyflop when we met, but it was worth it. I missed that man like crazy. :D I thank God for blessing me with him.
Okay, so an update on school groups and stuff. As of Nov 15th, I am officially a Sigma Sigma Sigma. No, I dont party. No, I don't drink. No, I'm not smoking or doing drugs. I looked into this carefully before deciding to pursue this. all official sorority business, like mixers and socials, are to be completley non-alcohol related and usually involve us standing around laughing with the other group. After the "official" event is over, I leave because it is no longer sorority business. The pledging process was nice, there was no hazing involved, just encouragement, strangely enough! :D the group went out of their way to make us feel special and loved and to let us know we were beautiful, amazing, and strong women. This group of girls makes me proud to call them sisters. :D
Well, i think that's about it. I'm about to get off here and go snuggle on the couch in the lobby and finish my book. :D God Bless you and keep both my husband and I in your prayers. Happy Thanksgiving!
*I am thankful for ALL God has done for me and in me. :D*
Friday, September 11, 2009
Been a Long Time!
wow, i haven't posted in forever!! Things have been crazy since school started back, shane now has my job at the hotel, working graveyards on the weekends so we can pay the bills, i am family housing coordinator at UAM, which is working out pretty swell thus far, and i just got the position of music librarian as a work study job, and according to the band director, i'm in for it cause that place is a wreck!
School is going great, i love my music classes, as usual, biology is okay, the lab is a drag, and i'm taking japanese as my modern language. I think it's awesome and I love it, but most everybody else thinks i'm crazy for tackling a whole new culture instead of one i'm a little more familiar with like spanish. me, on the other hand, is estatic to finally be able to start reading all the background text in anime films! ;)
While on subject of school, Lady Knights are up and at 'em again, we are giving out our membership bids this week, and hopefully by next week, things will be getting into the swing of pledging season! :D I'm excited about all our new girls coming in, and i hope they make it through until the final night of pledging!! :) i wish i could do it again *sigh*. Oh, and speaking of joining new organizations, alex is trying to get me in to tri sigma. I'm not so sure about it.....
Church is going okay, i haven't made a wednesday night service in forever because those 7pm meetings are lasting longer than they are supposed to! i'm ready to get back in the swing of church again, with the wedding and everything this summer, things got crazy for a while and we missed a lot of services, and my job didn't help any because i couldn't stay awake through sunday morning...now i'm not on graveyards anymore...and i wish my husband wasn't either, but we need the money right now...the people here mean well, i know...but having little old ladies running after my moving car yelling "where is your husband?!" gets old after about the first time. Shane still comes, but he's so discouraged because everyone comments on his absences. "and just where were you?" like i said, they mean well, but some of these old biddies are gonna peck the young ones to death if they don't quit. and to top that off, we were both "born" spiritually in Smackover, AR. If you've ever been there, it's almost like being in revival 24/7, because everyone worships instead of sitting on the pew looking around waiting for someone else to take the dive...sadly, its not the case most of the time with just about any other church. I'm not saying that there aren't churches like that around, just none around here. He came from being able to worship freely to having people come up to him afterward "i sure did enjoy watching you worship tonight" his reply? "why watch when you can participate?" its like a whole different world worship-wise. he has never really been somewhere where just a few are the "leaders" in worship service...and it's been terribly discouraging to him.
anyways, i'm babbling on and on and i have homework to do! i'll catch you all later, and God Bless!
School is going great, i love my music classes, as usual, biology is okay, the lab is a drag, and i'm taking japanese as my modern language. I think it's awesome and I love it, but most everybody else thinks i'm crazy for tackling a whole new culture instead of one i'm a little more familiar with like spanish. me, on the other hand, is estatic to finally be able to start reading all the background text in anime films! ;)
While on subject of school, Lady Knights are up and at 'em again, we are giving out our membership bids this week, and hopefully by next week, things will be getting into the swing of pledging season! :D I'm excited about all our new girls coming in, and i hope they make it through until the final night of pledging!! :) i wish i could do it again *sigh*. Oh, and speaking of joining new organizations, alex is trying to get me in to tri sigma. I'm not so sure about it.....
Church is going okay, i haven't made a wednesday night service in forever because those 7pm meetings are lasting longer than they are supposed to! i'm ready to get back in the swing of church again, with the wedding and everything this summer, things got crazy for a while and we missed a lot of services, and my job didn't help any because i couldn't stay awake through sunday morning...now i'm not on graveyards anymore...and i wish my husband wasn't either, but we need the money right now...the people here mean well, i know...but having little old ladies running after my moving car yelling "where is your husband?!" gets old after about the first time. Shane still comes, but he's so discouraged because everyone comments on his absences. "and just where were you?" like i said, they mean well, but some of these old biddies are gonna peck the young ones to death if they don't quit. and to top that off, we were both "born" spiritually in Smackover, AR. If you've ever been there, it's almost like being in revival 24/7, because everyone worships instead of sitting on the pew looking around waiting for someone else to take the dive...sadly, its not the case most of the time with just about any other church. I'm not saying that there aren't churches like that around, just none around here. He came from being able to worship freely to having people come up to him afterward "i sure did enjoy watching you worship tonight" his reply? "why watch when you can participate?" its like a whole different world worship-wise. he has never really been somewhere where just a few are the "leaders" in worship service...and it's been terribly discouraging to him.
anyways, i'm babbling on and on and i have homework to do! i'll catch you all later, and God Bless!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
a whoooole month later
:D hi!! I write to you now as a married woman! :D the wedding went great! other than a little family drama afterwards, everything was perfects at the wedding/reception/honeymoon. New Orleans was amazing and I can't wait to go back! for now, shane and i are just settling into our new home and getting ready for school to start back, so not much new here! :P
Thursday, June 4, 2009
My Brain
:) good morning world!! it is 4:40 AM and I am at work.
I've got a ton of stuff on my mind, so allow me to relieve some of this pressure before my brain explodes!!
I went and saw Teresa last week. For those of you who haven't ever heard me talk about "mudda 'resa" she was a lady I went to church with in bearden. she started coming to church about the same time I did, but she was actually STARTING church when I moved to bearden. She graduated with my oldest uncle, and is in her fifties, but she's an awesome and nifty lady. I've always had a special place in my heart for Mudda Resa, and she was my partner in crime many a time on trips to other churches for fellowship. She hasn't been back to the church since the incident....nobody could get in touch with her...she won't return calls or emails, so i boldened myself and drove out to her house last week to deliver a wedding invitation to her personally......
She's so different. :( I almost cried when i saw her...she was so worried about her hair when we were in church together, and i was always coming down to fix her hair and we'd always talk about ways to style it and how to care for it (girly stuff, I know)....and she'd cut it off...i know for most reading this, that a woman with short hair is no big deal, but for me it is.
1 Corinthians 11:4-6 and 15.
4Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonoureth his head.
5But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven.
6For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered.
15But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.
Our hair is our glory, and our covering...i knew that meant a lot to her..but she'd gotten it cut way down and it hurt to see her like that. However, this wasn't her only change. She had such a sweet personality, and was so ready to help and offer a helping hand with anything..as I sat and talked with her...she was almost mean...not that she was meaning to be, i know she wasn't trying to..but she said some pretty harsh things to me along the lines of my upcoming wedding and in just the way we chatted about people we knew...I left her home fighting tears...It recalled one of Jesus' parables to my mind
Matthew 12: 43-35
43When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none.
44Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished.
45Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation.
Its amazing how much God can change a person when they're constantly with Him...and then to turn back around, whether intentionally or not..there are dire consequences...and it saddens and scares me....
I've got a ton of stuff on my mind, so allow me to relieve some of this pressure before my brain explodes!!
I went and saw Teresa last week. For those of you who haven't ever heard me talk about "mudda 'resa" she was a lady I went to church with in bearden. she started coming to church about the same time I did, but she was actually STARTING church when I moved to bearden. She graduated with my oldest uncle, and is in her fifties, but she's an awesome and nifty lady. I've always had a special place in my heart for Mudda Resa, and she was my partner in crime many a time on trips to other churches for fellowship. She hasn't been back to the church since the incident....nobody could get in touch with her...she won't return calls or emails, so i boldened myself and drove out to her house last week to deliver a wedding invitation to her personally......
She's so different. :( I almost cried when i saw her...she was so worried about her hair when we were in church together, and i was always coming down to fix her hair and we'd always talk about ways to style it and how to care for it (girly stuff, I know)....and she'd cut it off...i know for most reading this, that a woman with short hair is no big deal, but for me it is.
1 Corinthians 11:4-6 and 15.
4Every man praying or prophesying, having his head covered, dishonoureth his head.
5But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven.
6For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn: but if it be a shame for a woman to be shorn or shaven, let her be covered.
15But if a woman have long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.
Our hair is our glory, and our covering...i knew that meant a lot to her..but she'd gotten it cut way down and it hurt to see her like that. However, this wasn't her only change. She had such a sweet personality, and was so ready to help and offer a helping hand with anything..as I sat and talked with her...she was almost mean...not that she was meaning to be, i know she wasn't trying to..but she said some pretty harsh things to me along the lines of my upcoming wedding and in just the way we chatted about people we knew...I left her home fighting tears...It recalled one of Jesus' parables to my mind
Matthew 12: 43-35
43When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none.
44Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished.
45Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation.
Its amazing how much God can change a person when they're constantly with Him...and then to turn back around, whether intentionally or not..there are dire consequences...and it saddens and scares me....
Sunday, May 10, 2009
What I Won't Blame You For
Hi,
Wow, it's been a while since we talked. :) I know you're not expecting to hear from me, and i'm not sure if this letter is welcome or not, but i'll write you nonetheless. Ya know, we used to be so close. I regarded you as my parents. Actually, there was a time when I held you in higher esteem than my own family. Guess that's the problem with pedestals. They never hold for long. Anyway, I'm getting these things off my chest. I've been carrying them a while now, milling over in my brain exactly to do with these things. I could blame you for everything. For the fall, for not seeing what was going on right under your nose, for not acting right yourself, for letting me fall through the cracks...i've wanted to put all the blame on you for so long, to prove that no wrongdoing was my own and was just a result of you pushing me away...but i can't. I won't. I will be blameless in this. I say blameless, and ironically, the only way I can be blameless in this story, is to accept the blame for my mistake. I was wrong for not telling you, yes, but i would have been wrong in telling you also. Lose lose for me, right? I'm sorry i let you down, but i can see clearly now that that was the best thing. I'd actually had the unction for several months that my time was up in that dear little country church, and the only way i would be able to let myself go was forceably. It's okay though, you didn't know what to do, and I forgive you, but I still want to tell you some of these repercussions....
I still have a hard time trusting people because of you. Ya know I'm afraid to trust my own pastor now? that's pretty bad when you're afraid to trust the man God has placed over you. I guess once bitten, twice shy, right? I am now terrified of losing those I hold near and dear, almost so to the point that i push them away, but only almost. You didn't cause that though. I won't credit that to your account. Ya know, i'm terrified of what would happen if I ran into you? I walk in constant worry that i'll see one or both of you in walmart or huddle house and i fear the exchange that would take place. I'm sure the conversation would consist of something to the effect of you ignoring anything ever happened, or trying to convince me to come home, but i'll go ahead and say that i wouldn't go back. My heart isn't there anymore. Yeah, i miss the girls...i miss them like crazy...i wish i could see them more often, but it's not worth the wrecked heart again. I'm also afraid of how Shane would handle it. It hurt him just as bad when i told him the news. No, not as bad, i don't think he could've hurt that bad at it...not as bad as i did, but it angered him. I'm glad God made provision for me, so i'd have some human arms to hold me while God held me too. I think i might've lost it. You know, i was actually sick that day i spoke to you last? That is the only time i've actually ever worried myself sick. we got to shane's mmom's house and I was running a high fever and was sick the whole way up. Amazing how one little thing has such an impact, huh?
Anyway, this is not a letter of blame. I just want this all of my chest, a clean slate, a fresh start, a beginning that does not involve you at all. I'm letting go of these feelings. I won't let this sad rage control my emotions anymore. You remember that time you prayed for me and the sorrow just washed over you like a flood and you were as broken as i was? it was just that strong this time. Ironically, when you looked at me from the pulpit and told me to brace myself, that things were coming my way intending on destroying me, i would never in my life had of imagined it would be you that would be that thing trying to destroy me.
However, it was nice talking to you again. I'm sorry this is our only talk, and our last talk. I'm free to move forward now, no chains, no bondage, only freedom in the Lord. God Bless you in all your endeavors.
Ashley
Wow, it's been a while since we talked. :) I know you're not expecting to hear from me, and i'm not sure if this letter is welcome or not, but i'll write you nonetheless. Ya know, we used to be so close. I regarded you as my parents. Actually, there was a time when I held you in higher esteem than my own family. Guess that's the problem with pedestals. They never hold for long. Anyway, I'm getting these things off my chest. I've been carrying them a while now, milling over in my brain exactly to do with these things. I could blame you for everything. For the fall, for not seeing what was going on right under your nose, for not acting right yourself, for letting me fall through the cracks...i've wanted to put all the blame on you for so long, to prove that no wrongdoing was my own and was just a result of you pushing me away...but i can't. I won't. I will be blameless in this. I say blameless, and ironically, the only way I can be blameless in this story, is to accept the blame for my mistake. I was wrong for not telling you, yes, but i would have been wrong in telling you also. Lose lose for me, right? I'm sorry i let you down, but i can see clearly now that that was the best thing. I'd actually had the unction for several months that my time was up in that dear little country church, and the only way i would be able to let myself go was forceably. It's okay though, you didn't know what to do, and I forgive you, but I still want to tell you some of these repercussions....
I still have a hard time trusting people because of you. Ya know I'm afraid to trust my own pastor now? that's pretty bad when you're afraid to trust the man God has placed over you. I guess once bitten, twice shy, right? I am now terrified of losing those I hold near and dear, almost so to the point that i push them away, but only almost. You didn't cause that though. I won't credit that to your account. Ya know, i'm terrified of what would happen if I ran into you? I walk in constant worry that i'll see one or both of you in walmart or huddle house and i fear the exchange that would take place. I'm sure the conversation would consist of something to the effect of you ignoring anything ever happened, or trying to convince me to come home, but i'll go ahead and say that i wouldn't go back. My heart isn't there anymore. Yeah, i miss the girls...i miss them like crazy...i wish i could see them more often, but it's not worth the wrecked heart again. I'm also afraid of how Shane would handle it. It hurt him just as bad when i told him the news. No, not as bad, i don't think he could've hurt that bad at it...not as bad as i did, but it angered him. I'm glad God made provision for me, so i'd have some human arms to hold me while God held me too. I think i might've lost it. You know, i was actually sick that day i spoke to you last? That is the only time i've actually ever worried myself sick. we got to shane's mmom's house and I was running a high fever and was sick the whole way up. Amazing how one little thing has such an impact, huh?
Anyway, this is not a letter of blame. I just want this all of my chest, a clean slate, a fresh start, a beginning that does not involve you at all. I'm letting go of these feelings. I won't let this sad rage control my emotions anymore. You remember that time you prayed for me and the sorrow just washed over you like a flood and you were as broken as i was? it was just that strong this time. Ironically, when you looked at me from the pulpit and told me to brace myself, that things were coming my way intending on destroying me, i would never in my life had of imagined it would be you that would be that thing trying to destroy me.
However, it was nice talking to you again. I'm sorry this is our only talk, and our last talk. I'm free to move forward now, no chains, no bondage, only freedom in the Lord. God Bless you in all your endeavors.
Ashley
Back To My Roots
I've had enough! I'm going back to what Apostolic is supposed to be. Not this twisted, perverted view that I've slipped into, but that Fire that burned me up when it first got hold of me! I caught a whiff of that old feeling tonight here at work, and I want that again. I'll give up anything and everything to get it again. This I know, I'm gonna have to fight to get back there. I've been pushed around for too long and I refuse to allow this to happen any longer! This is my declaration, my battle cry, my call to arms. Devil, I'm declaring war on you this minute, and I will not rest until the Victory is won!!!!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Thinks of One Thinking
So i'm here in my dorm, 3:36AM Tuesday morning, and i'm not really doing anything but thinking and praying and sipping on a Dr. Pepper. I have no desire to sleep right now, though it's probably the second best thing on my list that I need to be doing right now, but i'm sitting here evaluating...well...my humanness. Ya know I absolutley hate being human sometimes....making mistakes..old enough to know better and too young to care..stupid choices that seemed okay at the time..the usual. I hate the aspect of humanness where I continually trip and fall over, and moreso the part where I fling myself to the ground only to look back up at where I was and think "what in the world was I thinking." I get tired of the same old mess up and repent actions, but that repentance is what's keeping me going. I know this is just a really rough spot, but i'm getting wore out. I know the beauty of being human is that we have something that the angels desire to look into. We've been given the promise of redemption, salvation, and an advocate with the Father when we have those moments where we fling ourselves to the ground. Well reader, this isn't meant as complaints, though i'm sure it's coming across as that, and I guess subconciously i'm complaining to you about myself, but all i'm asking is that next time you get at the throne and have a chat with Jesus, please remember me and mention me. He knows what's going on and He knows how to fix it. I just need a little support spiritually while i'm down here searching for the Lilly in this Valley. Pray for me, and i'll have you in my prayers too.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Cries of My Weeping Heart
Here I go again
lost another battle my friend
it was You who bled for me, died for me
it was even you who sat and cried for me
but what's your payment, what's your reward
again, yet again, I nail Your hand to the board.
I was never worthy, I couldn't even scream
but You, You claimed me among the redeemed
so here I am, fallen once more
paralyzed by fear, of rejection from the Door
Can You, will You, fix this mess?
I try, I cry, and more and more I'm oppressed
I know I fell back into this
this sin should I never miss
yet fall again, and fall again, into the mire I go
filthy are now these rags, that once were white as snow
I can't get up, not on my own
God, I beg You, don't leave me here alone!
Maybe its part of some eternal plan
but help me up Lord, use me if you can
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Randomness at Night
I realized that it's been forever since I posted anything on here, so this is what's on my mind
Things have gotten better since last year's end-of-year drama. I still haven't seen or heard from what used to be my pastor, nor have they made any attempt to contact me, which hurts, but i know it's for the better. I'm actually kinda liking being out on my own. I'm still involved in church and everything, but I just feel like I have more freedom to breathe now. I have yet to decide if that's a good or bad thing, but I do know that I'm now able to step out and make my own decisions instead of living on everyone else's opinion. I'm pledging Lady Knights, and I honestly don't believe that they're secretly evil. Matter of fact, all I've seen of them thus far is good. They help, do service to the community, maintain honor, and actually are quite respected for that. The dean told me the other day (yes, the dean of my university) that Lady Knights is a good thing, and so is band. I had to get his signature for pledging. But now that I can breathe, I'm itching to run away for a weekend to Mississippi, which is less than an hour from here. My uncle lives in Jackson, and offered me a place to stay when I come down, and i'm planning to go in the next couple of weeks to go look at wedding stuff down there. I just want to see the Mississippi. I want to feel the freedom of crossing the river and soaring......i just want out of Arkansas for a little while!!!!!!
School is okay..i'm dropping my Needs of Diverse Learner's class.....i can't stand the teacher. This class is supposed to give a better idea and methods as to how to handle special needs children and children of other cultures, but my teacher constantly turns it into a black and white debate. Today, for instance, we were discussing how Brown vs. Board of Education opened the door for lawsuits that made special education programs available like they are today, and she went off for twenty minutes talking about how her school was segregated until the ninth grade and how she had to drink from the colored fountian....I understand how Brown vs. the Board of Education is related to this, but that is not what we were talking about! It's an every day thing in her class, the race discussion. Honestly, if I could get into the Education program without this class, i'd skip it altogether. I'm dropping it and taking Dr. Snow this summer or next fall. I've had it with that class! We haven't really even learned anything new. I learned that gifted and talented are part of the same group as special education, but that's about it. I wish i'dve dropped it sooner, so i could get my money back at least!
Wedding plans are running along swimmingly. now all that's really left is to plan out the ceremony and the scriptures and who is doing what and that's about it. Buy decorations, dress, flowers, cake and then actually get married. That's the extent to what we have finished. :) I'm so excited! Ironically though, the cheapest place i've found to stay in Hot Springs...is the KNIGHT'S inn. :P incredible, right? However, the bed and breakfast seems just a little bit better!
Things have gotten better since last year's end-of-year drama. I still haven't seen or heard from what used to be my pastor, nor have they made any attempt to contact me, which hurts, but i know it's for the better. I'm actually kinda liking being out on my own. I'm still involved in church and everything, but I just feel like I have more freedom to breathe now. I have yet to decide if that's a good or bad thing, but I do know that I'm now able to step out and make my own decisions instead of living on everyone else's opinion. I'm pledging Lady Knights, and I honestly don't believe that they're secretly evil. Matter of fact, all I've seen of them thus far is good. They help, do service to the community, maintain honor, and actually are quite respected for that. The dean told me the other day (yes, the dean of my university) that Lady Knights is a good thing, and so is band. I had to get his signature for pledging. But now that I can breathe, I'm itching to run away for a weekend to Mississippi, which is less than an hour from here. My uncle lives in Jackson, and offered me a place to stay when I come down, and i'm planning to go in the next couple of weeks to go look at wedding stuff down there. I just want to see the Mississippi. I want to feel the freedom of crossing the river and soaring......i just want out of Arkansas for a little while!!!!!!
School is okay..i'm dropping my Needs of Diverse Learner's class.....i can't stand the teacher. This class is supposed to give a better idea and methods as to how to handle special needs children and children of other cultures, but my teacher constantly turns it into a black and white debate. Today, for instance, we were discussing how Brown vs. Board of Education opened the door for lawsuits that made special education programs available like they are today, and she went off for twenty minutes talking about how her school was segregated until the ninth grade and how she had to drink from the colored fountian....I understand how Brown vs. the Board of Education is related to this, but that is not what we were talking about! It's an every day thing in her class, the race discussion. Honestly, if I could get into the Education program without this class, i'd skip it altogether. I'm dropping it and taking Dr. Snow this summer or next fall. I've had it with that class! We haven't really even learned anything new. I learned that gifted and talented are part of the same group as special education, but that's about it. I wish i'dve dropped it sooner, so i could get my money back at least!
Wedding plans are running along swimmingly. now all that's really left is to plan out the ceremony and the scriptures and who is doing what and that's about it. Buy decorations, dress, flowers, cake and then actually get married. That's the extent to what we have finished. :) I'm so excited! Ironically though, the cheapest place i've found to stay in Hot Springs...is the KNIGHT'S inn. :P incredible, right? However, the bed and breakfast seems just a little bit better!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Hiya!!!
okay, i know, i know, i haven't posted anything in a loong while..i apologize profusely to start with, and now I shall begin to type in some of the things in the midst of my mind (like the alliteration?)
First, i'm loving sophomore year! last semester was really good, i made the dean's list, and this semester i'm striving for all A's, like I promised granny. but while i'm doing this, i'm also planning a wedding, trying to find a job, keeping practiced on the clarinet, functioning with first band, playing this addicting game my fiancee gave me called Morrowind, pledging Lady Knights, going to church, keeping prayed up, and maintaining a social life, all while breathing. amazing, huh? :P
The wedding plans are coming along okay. there's not much I can to until spring break when i finally start shopping for stuff, and weekend after next when I get mama marie to go with me to the consignment shop in camden to see if she can alter that dress for me. I promise I believe that its the perfect dress. the only problem is the top. it's too small and it needs sleeves of some sort for modest purposes, but other than that it's perfect. Aunt Tammie is buying my dress for me, Praise God, which takes a load off my shoulders. my refund is only gonna give me about 1200 to spend on the wedding, which is okay if Granny and Papa will pay for the food for the reception and the bridesmaids pay for their dresses, which they are cause they're making their own. This will work, in Jesus name!! :)
I'm really excited to be pledging Lady Knights too, i just found out tonight that i have been accepted as a pledge, which is awesome cause i've wanted to be a Lady Knight since I heard about them, i just never did cause I knew my church wouldn't accept it, now since recieving the boot, so to speak, i have a little more freedom to do what I want. They're part of the reason I didn't pledge last semester....that and it was a frat...which pertained to men...and i'd be wearing what pertained to a man (Deut. 22:5) so i'd be :P anyway. I'm stoked, just kinda unhappy that pledge activities are on wednesday nights, but they're the hour before church, so it's not so bad...just kinda frustrating cause we get through at seven, and i'm apparently going to get dirty at this activity, so i might be a little scruffy for church. hopefully Shane will have his truck finished getting fixed by then. I think he's gonna pledge Knights though.......if he decides to miss part of church, and if they'll let him go first. I don't know as much about Knights as I do Lady Knights, but i know that he doesn't really want to miss church for that. but yeah...i'm stoked!!!
lastly, the church situation has cleared a little. Suz is still out of church, enjoying her freedom. our friendship will never be what it was again, more than likely, but i'm glad we're still friends. i've gained a little freedom. her mother sent a "hello" with her last time i went down, which i think if she's gonna say hi then she should re-add me on Facebook after deleting me from her friends. but that's just me. i'll accept it, but i'm pretty sure i'm getting the same treatment as Mandy and Halana got when they left...only difference is, i didn't leave of my own free will, though they're probably making it out to be like that. ya know he didn't even show up when cassie's new baby was born? now if they had to work then I understand, but a pastor's job is to be with the people from his church, especially one as small as ours. I think it's kinda crappy if a pastor won't show up to a baby's birth because the parents have a friend there that he doesn't like....
anyway, God is still good, i had the money provided to me to be there at Krysten Nicole's birth on Monday, got to spend time with my girls, see some old friends, and spend time with Jesus. :) I don't think i'd ever trade what I have for anything in this world. God is just so much greater than everything else, bigger than all my problems, stronger than my deepest fears and greatest fights. I'm glad He chose me!
First, i'm loving sophomore year! last semester was really good, i made the dean's list, and this semester i'm striving for all A's, like I promised granny. but while i'm doing this, i'm also planning a wedding, trying to find a job, keeping practiced on the clarinet, functioning with first band, playing this addicting game my fiancee gave me called Morrowind, pledging Lady Knights, going to church, keeping prayed up, and maintaining a social life, all while breathing. amazing, huh? :P
The wedding plans are coming along okay. there's not much I can to until spring break when i finally start shopping for stuff, and weekend after next when I get mama marie to go with me to the consignment shop in camden to see if she can alter that dress for me. I promise I believe that its the perfect dress. the only problem is the top. it's too small and it needs sleeves of some sort for modest purposes, but other than that it's perfect. Aunt Tammie is buying my dress for me, Praise God, which takes a load off my shoulders. my refund is only gonna give me about 1200 to spend on the wedding, which is okay if Granny and Papa will pay for the food for the reception and the bridesmaids pay for their dresses, which they are cause they're making their own. This will work, in Jesus name!! :)
I'm really excited to be pledging Lady Knights too, i just found out tonight that i have been accepted as a pledge, which is awesome cause i've wanted to be a Lady Knight since I heard about them, i just never did cause I knew my church wouldn't accept it, now since recieving the boot, so to speak, i have a little more freedom to do what I want. They're part of the reason I didn't pledge last semester....that and it was a frat...which pertained to men...and i'd be wearing what pertained to a man (Deut. 22:5) so i'd be :P anyway. I'm stoked, just kinda unhappy that pledge activities are on wednesday nights, but they're the hour before church, so it's not so bad...just kinda frustrating cause we get through at seven, and i'm apparently going to get dirty at this activity, so i might be a little scruffy for church. hopefully Shane will have his truck finished getting fixed by then. I think he's gonna pledge Knights though.......if he decides to miss part of church, and if they'll let him go first. I don't know as much about Knights as I do Lady Knights, but i know that he doesn't really want to miss church for that. but yeah...i'm stoked!!!
lastly, the church situation has cleared a little. Suz is still out of church, enjoying her freedom. our friendship will never be what it was again, more than likely, but i'm glad we're still friends. i've gained a little freedom. her mother sent a "hello" with her last time i went down, which i think if she's gonna say hi then she should re-add me on Facebook after deleting me from her friends. but that's just me. i'll accept it, but i'm pretty sure i'm getting the same treatment as Mandy and Halana got when they left...only difference is, i didn't leave of my own free will, though they're probably making it out to be like that. ya know he didn't even show up when cassie's new baby was born? now if they had to work then I understand, but a pastor's job is to be with the people from his church, especially one as small as ours. I think it's kinda crappy if a pastor won't show up to a baby's birth because the parents have a friend there that he doesn't like....
anyway, God is still good, i had the money provided to me to be there at Krysten Nicole's birth on Monday, got to spend time with my girls, see some old friends, and spend time with Jesus. :) I don't think i'd ever trade what I have for anything in this world. God is just so much greater than everything else, bigger than all my problems, stronger than my deepest fears and greatest fights. I'm glad He chose me!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Empty Me
I've had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood.
And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
I've had just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you, compared to you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you. So, I surrender all!
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Oh, filled with you.
Empty me
Jesus...I want to be empty of everything that is me. completley and totally void of anything that lets me exist. i'm tired of fighting me for control of me....i just want to be a vessel of God's and nothing else...yet my flesh keeps returning me to the same sin over and over and over again...i'm tired of fighting the same battle, knowing that as soon as i repent and get back up i'll wind up making the same mistake again next month....and this is gonna go on an on until that is sin no more........................................................if i can't fix it by then...then is it worth it? am I really doing what God wants me to do? really and truly? i've been so convinced so many times only to find that what I thought was what God wanted for me really wasn't...even now i'm not convinced i'm totally and completley in what God wants for me....so how do I find out?...i'm so sick of making the same mistake twice...so must I eliminate the cause or overcome it?
To see how it gets in the blood.
And I've tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
I've had just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you, compared to you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you. So, I surrender all!
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Oh, filled with you.
Empty me
Jesus...I want to be empty of everything that is me. completley and totally void of anything that lets me exist. i'm tired of fighting me for control of me....i just want to be a vessel of God's and nothing else...yet my flesh keeps returning me to the same sin over and over and over again...i'm tired of fighting the same battle, knowing that as soon as i repent and get back up i'll wind up making the same mistake again next month....and this is gonna go on an on until that is sin no more........................................................if i can't fix it by then...then is it worth it? am I really doing what God wants me to do? really and truly? i've been so convinced so many times only to find that what I thought was what God wanted for me really wasn't...even now i'm not convinced i'm totally and completley in what God wants for me....so how do I find out?...i'm so sick of making the same mistake twice...so must I eliminate the cause or overcome it?
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The In - Between
so, since getting the boot from home *being my home church* i'm what's referred to as "the in-between"
it's different....ever since i started church i've always had a home, and now suddenly i find myself expelled from the fire to the cold (so to speak). I went back to Smackover on Sunday, my first home, and rather enjoyed myself. It was foreign to me, like the needle feels when I give blood, strange sticking out of my arm, but so much a part of me at the moment. It felt like going back to the fire though.....and i need that fire. That fire's the only thing keeping my grounded at the moment.....but I planned my life somewhat around my home...knowing someday that I was going to have to leave, but never expected it to be this soon.....since Tuesday a week ago, i've been on the outside looking in as far as church is concerned....I know where I stand as far as the Lord is concerned, but what about the family I once claimed? As Bro. Williams put it, i've become the scapegoat so to speak, even though i was wrong, i get the blunt end of both sides of the act. welcome to life. I'm not sure if i'm a member here or not...i asked to be put on the list, but i don't know if i'm there or not. I'm going to be in Smackover again on sunday, and i'm sure the rumors have already been buzzing wildly about me going straight there, but I don't care. I'm not sowing discord, and i'm acting like everything's alright....it's not opposition to my pastor to go anymore because as was blatantly stated in my phone call "I am not your pastor."
It's just a rough time at the moment....so many things swirling around and so many opportunities within my grasp. I've already taken one that was within my reach...i'm not happy about the fact of missing a week's worth of services total for it, but I need the money. I don't know where this path Jesus has me on is going to lead....but I know that He'll be there by my side through thick and thin. I'll have Him, and a wonderful support group of friends and Saints who will pray for me (cause Lord knows I need it at the crossroads). I'll keep you updated and thanks for everything!
it's different....ever since i started church i've always had a home, and now suddenly i find myself expelled from the fire to the cold (so to speak). I went back to Smackover on Sunday, my first home, and rather enjoyed myself. It was foreign to me, like the needle feels when I give blood, strange sticking out of my arm, but so much a part of me at the moment. It felt like going back to the fire though.....and i need that fire. That fire's the only thing keeping my grounded at the moment.....but I planned my life somewhat around my home...knowing someday that I was going to have to leave, but never expected it to be this soon.....since Tuesday a week ago, i've been on the outside looking in as far as church is concerned....I know where I stand as far as the Lord is concerned, but what about the family I once claimed? As Bro. Williams put it, i've become the scapegoat so to speak, even though i was wrong, i get the blunt end of both sides of the act. welcome to life. I'm not sure if i'm a member here or not...i asked to be put on the list, but i don't know if i'm there or not. I'm going to be in Smackover again on sunday, and i'm sure the rumors have already been buzzing wildly about me going straight there, but I don't care. I'm not sowing discord, and i'm acting like everything's alright....it's not opposition to my pastor to go anymore because as was blatantly stated in my phone call "I am not your pastor."
It's just a rough time at the moment....so many things swirling around and so many opportunities within my grasp. I've already taken one that was within my reach...i'm not happy about the fact of missing a week's worth of services total for it, but I need the money. I don't know where this path Jesus has me on is going to lead....but I know that He'll be there by my side through thick and thin. I'll have Him, and a wonderful support group of friends and Saints who will pray for me (cause Lord knows I need it at the crossroads). I'll keep you updated and thanks for everything!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
World Turned Over
my world as i knew it turned topsy turvy tonight. the life I knew back home doesn't exist anymore...and i know why. i didn't cause it, but i was a partaker in it of sorts, an accomplice so to speak...an innocent person who knew what she was doing and realized what the outcome could possibly be if she went through with it, and went through with it for the sake of another's supposed happiness....now our worlds are destroyed in the fashion we once knew them....i've seen another side to people i knew tonight.....i know so much to say, yet I remain silent for the sake of i know i won't be heard when my small voice rises above the tumult. my time was about up anyway and my work just about done. my love will remain the same for those who have nurtured me for so long, but my path now seems to lead me away to a new life of sorts. my mind is so restless tonight...my world has come to an abrupt end.........and now a new one forms.....Jesus, all I can ask is that You mold this one according to Your perfect plan and perfect will. take out what You want gone and put in what You'd rather me have. I trust You.....though you slay me....yet I will trust you...
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Thoughts
Here I sit...meditating on the glory of the Lord.....I'm so torn and numb at this moment.....all I can do is cry for the God i'm unworthy of. I feel dark inside...and I need His light once more...spent a while in the arms of Christ...the love that covers sin...no greater love have I ever known...you consider me your friend..........I love Jesus....and I come to the point where my love for Jesus must outweigh my love for my fiancee.....yes, i am having problems with that, i'm human. the Holy Ghost doesn't make you invincible...but it gives you the power to fight. Things will work out, i know...i'm just standing on unsteady ground right now...
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Tired of Thinking
The difference between toeing the line and crossing it.....the fine gray line in the fog dividing our lives......the line that could be crossed in an instant.
I once had my heart. I shared it with you.....I loved you with everything in it that I could.....then I had to tear my heart away from you because it wasn't supposed to be yours thas time...part of it stayed with you, and I held on to the broken shards for dear life....convinced that I could function with only part of me........then came another who promised to make it whole again....so i gave him control of what was left of me......what was left he all but destroyed in the mire and left for me to find again.....so i searched for every bit of eight months for the shattered fragments of the girl I once was....and finally convinced myself that these were all the pieces I had left. now i've found me again..and consequently....You have re-entered my life...bringing the rest of my heart...and those pieces of mine.....you shattered once more, but painlessly.....and used what you had of me and what else I had.....and re-made my heart and offered it back to me......i wanted you to keep it, it's yours....and it has always been so, despite my stubborn insistances of otherwise.
We destroyed what we had last time......and that past tried to arise once more to rear its ugly head, but we defeated it....won this battle....with the promise that this battle will never be fought again. I confide all of me with you.....everything that God allows me to give. I love you more than more than mostest of most than chicken loves waffles with mozerella sticks and dr pepper, more than juliet loved Romeo.......I just want you. I could care less about a ceremony...proper ettiquite....the white dress........the flowers......i'd give it all up if I knew it'd keep me from you. Help me to focus with you......so our eyes remain on just one thing........My Saviour, My God, My Jesus. you took the pieces of me and made them whole again, only because of the Lord.......I am yours...all He will allow, its yours. Take all of me as you give all of you............i want this.....i love you
I once had my heart. I shared it with you.....I loved you with everything in it that I could.....then I had to tear my heart away from you because it wasn't supposed to be yours thas time...part of it stayed with you, and I held on to the broken shards for dear life....convinced that I could function with only part of me........then came another who promised to make it whole again....so i gave him control of what was left of me......what was left he all but destroyed in the mire and left for me to find again.....so i searched for every bit of eight months for the shattered fragments of the girl I once was....and finally convinced myself that these were all the pieces I had left. now i've found me again..and consequently....You have re-entered my life...bringing the rest of my heart...and those pieces of mine.....you shattered once more, but painlessly.....and used what you had of me and what else I had.....and re-made my heart and offered it back to me......i wanted you to keep it, it's yours....and it has always been so, despite my stubborn insistances of otherwise.
We destroyed what we had last time......and that past tried to arise once more to rear its ugly head, but we defeated it....won this battle....with the promise that this battle will never be fought again. I confide all of me with you.....everything that God allows me to give. I love you more than more than mostest of most than chicken loves waffles with mozerella sticks and dr pepper, more than juliet loved Romeo.......I just want you. I could care less about a ceremony...proper ettiquite....the white dress........the flowers......i'd give it all up if I knew it'd keep me from you. Help me to focus with you......so our eyes remain on just one thing........My Saviour, My God, My Jesus. you took the pieces of me and made them whole again, only because of the Lord.......I am yours...all He will allow, its yours. Take all of me as you give all of you............i want this.....i love you
Friday, October 31, 2008
Updates
okay, so i broke with tradition and didn't post in over a month!! sorry guys!! here's my updates
i'm passing all my classes, all A's except for education, which is a B. Found out last week that my private lesson teacher is gone this week taking lessons from Eddie Daniels.....yes, THE Eddie Daniels, aka the best clarinet player in the world, the top clarinetest, and most amazing saxophonist........and i'm getting the trickle down effect of this!! HOW TOTALLY AWESOME IS THAT! Thank You Jesus!!
Secondly, I'M ENGAGED. crazy, right? seems so, but to me this is just so wonderful. I love this man so much....God has put this back together. Everything seems wonderful, but I know the storms are well on their way. keep us in your prayers, we're gonna continue seeking His will until the very minute of "I Do"
God Bless You!
i'm passing all my classes, all A's except for education, which is a B. Found out last week that my private lesson teacher is gone this week taking lessons from Eddie Daniels.....yes, THE Eddie Daniels, aka the best clarinet player in the world, the top clarinetest, and most amazing saxophonist........and i'm getting the trickle down effect of this!! HOW TOTALLY AWESOME IS THAT! Thank You Jesus!!
Secondly, I'M ENGAGED. crazy, right? seems so, but to me this is just so wonderful. I love this man so much....God has put this back together. Everything seems wonderful, but I know the storms are well on their way. keep us in your prayers, we're gonna continue seeking His will until the very minute of "I Do"
God Bless You!
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